Yeah yeah yeah Happy belated New Year and all that good stuff. Not even going to start with the "I wasn't meant to be gone this long" spiel I give every year.
All jokes aside, writing/journalling has been at the back of my mind for the longest time and for good reason.
As I share more of myself on socials, I have to take a step back somewhere, and unfortunately (or fortunately) it had to be with my blog. I don't feel compelled to give so much of myself anymore and it's not necessarily from a fear of being vulnerable but it's just who I am naturally. I guess it's an aesthetic these days to be "mysterious" or whatever but it's not like I'm pretending to be or putting an act on. I've always been a private person... who likes to be challenged and it was a challenge to open up so much about myself and my life in so much detail through this blog, even if it was just one person reading. Blogging has completely disrupted my comfort levels when it comes to being a presence online and simply being active online, but I know I needed an outlet, and still do, to be fair.
Something I'm always happy to share and talk about is breaking each and every trauma, strong-hold and curse attached to my family. I've actually become obsessed with it and the thought of making things a little bit easier for the generations after me.
Something I've had to accept recently is that I'm absolutely petrified of bringing a child into this world and subjecting them to habits and tendencies I haven't worked on - which I know is probably an issue within itself - but it's all for good reason. I went through a LOT as a child, seriously, things I still don't understand or am able to articulate properly even in therapy, even after 20+ years. I just want to eliminate as much pain as I possibly can from my child's life. I know the world, people, situations will do otherwise but I am responsible for what I say, think and do and although I've done extremely well in forgiving, healing, unlearning etc there's still so much to do. I also have so much faith in God that it will happen in his perfect timing and I'm also slowly coming around to the idea that if I'm not meant to give birth to a child in the natural sense, I'll be content with that too. I have more than enough children in my life to give love to, although it would be everything to have a miniature version of myself or my husband running around.
Anyway, back to knocking out these curses and traumas - I was thinking the other day about how much I don't celebrate the things I've been able to conquer that those before me haven't, for whatever reason. I've really taken for granted things that seem standard and normal to me like graduating from University, being the one to initiate break ups in relationships, taking risks financially and career-wise, investing, obtaining life insurance, overcoming addictions, self-belief, eating better and healthier routines, not following tradition - I mean, the list is literally endless, as I'm sure many people can agree.
I guess it will just take some more time for me to realise how much of a big deal this and all the other things I'll achieve are.
It's also not lost on me that it's by the grace of God that my parents were able to move to London where there are plenty more resources and help, laws etc to help me to succeed, along with the change in times, advances in technology etc. However, as we know and have seen, unfortunately that just isn't enough, a person has to want better for themselves despite how "easy" they have it or what they've been given to help them succeed in life.
I'm also aware that at some point you just have to be content with what you have and where you're at, it doesn't mean you stop trying to achieve but it's just as important to live in the moment, be present otherwise this is all counterproductive. Yet, I'm always reminded that I I shouldn't delay in what I need to do because I'm not where I want to be yet in terms of healing and then certain decisions I make or how I react to something will verify that.
I've been actively practicing grace with myself and making it a point to acknowledge my wins as opposed to focusing on all the work that still needs to be done and that's been such a struggle at the best of times but I've come a long long way.
What people don't talk enough about though is the loneliness and isolation that comes with putting boundaries in place in order to break these generational curses. My gosh is it lonely and I've felt it severely this year already. Avoiding certain family members and people in my life because they easily trigger a negative response as well not wanting to be subjected to being around people who's decisions or actions I don't agree with that have ultimately turned out negatively for them. Having to watch them suffer or pick up the pieces is just too much for me to bare witness to anymore and as an empath, can have be down bad for long periods of time, despite the issue not even directly affecting me, so I've had to remove myself from a lot of things last year and this one. It's tough having to love your loved ones from afar. Wanting to help and rescue them so desperately but realising the cost and toll of it all is too expensive and too heavy on you. Really really tough but it's definitely for the best.
I think being in a relationship and being on this journey of self improvement is one of the hardest things also. I have had to be selfish with my time, finances, energy more often than I feel comfortable with or even used to and needing time alone to decompress for hours every single day of the week will naturally create distance, tension and misunderstandings in any relationship. Especially when the other person isn't on a similar journey and doesn't fully understand why and why now.
Unsurprisingly, I've ended a few relationships during this season of my life as well. Being hard-headed, I've had to learn the hard way (when have I not had to learn things the hard way?!) that I had some very negative people in my life who refused to show the same grace I showed them even though they have their own demons that they were unwilling(?) to or hadn't identified yet. For whatever reason, they just weren't able to show up for me in the way I needed them to so I had to remove myself, in some cases without explanation, but the peace I've felt after the initial mourning period, lets me know I'm definitely on the right path.
Staying the course is my only option and for anyone reading this who is relentless about doing the work, making the sacrifices and just as obsessed with showing up as their best self, you truly are my inspiration.✨🫶🏾👏🏾
And it won't be long now 'til we can say all of it was worth it.