It still hasn’t really hit me that I’m engaged to be a whole wife. STILL.
Yes, I see my future husband everyday and am very much in love and I get to see that beautiful ring everyday too, but whether it’s imposter syndrome or just not feeling like I can live up to the general meaning of what it means to be a wife, it's still very very very daunting.
I’ve never ruled out getting married and have talked about it before in past relationships and my current one, before getting engaged, but I was never the type to fantasise about the big day, my dream dress or what married life would even look like. So forgive me if my tone comes off a bit nonchalant.
I’ve mentioned to my fiancé plenty of times in our conversations that I would be happy to have the most intimate ceremony possible and get rid of all the money and stress of planning altogether. I’d rather use all that money and energy towards our future… or a unique honeymoon experience in Japan! The point being, I hate that there’s so much emphasis on the actual wedding day and all the traditions! I just want to do things our way and whoever can’t understand that or get with it, oh well.
Like soooo many people in this world, I didn’t have the greatest representation of what a successful marriage looks like, including my parents and the lasting effects it’s had on both of them and me and my siblings have mostly been negative. So no, I don’t take going into marriage lightly and know there’s still a lot of internal work I need to do before becoming anyone’s wife or mother and it’s my responsibility to figure that out - I owe that to my partner, my self and my future children before saying I do.
Of course as a couple we have a lot to work on and I know if we wait until we’re good and ready, we’ll be waiting forever to get married but let’s just say, we understand that you can't rush something you intend to have forever.
A friend of mine suggested looking for groups online for women in similar shoes and about to get married, which I definitely want to look into because I find it hard to discuss how I'm feeling in regards to all this with those around me sometimes. It would ease a lot of my negative and borderline irrational fears and thoughts towards becoming a wife and what that means for my independence, being part of a community of women, a safe space to bounce ideas off and have honest dialogue with.