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Something has been breaking my heart...

Sorry if this comes across as incoherent. I could never predict I would be writing a post like this. And it hurts so much to write this but my relationships with my siblings is so messed up.

Trying to articulate my feelings the best I can but obviously writing this in real time is really difficult. Like, this is the worst it’s ever been. My only two living siblings. I don’t know where to start or pinpoint where it all went downhill. I think about and pray for them every single day and they continue to ignore me.

It’s honestly the worst thing ever and I can’t continue pretending I'm ok. I'm really not ok. I rack my brain trying to figure out what I could have done so wrong or so bad as an older sister and not saying I’ve been the perfect sister, but it destroys me knowing that they’d rather not talk to me or communicate with me or reach back out to me than try to repair these relationships and heal from all the hurt.

It’s a cycle I’ve really tried to avoid despite all my efforts because my Dad had a terrible relationship with his older brother even up until the day my uncle passed. They hadn't spoken in years. The fucked up part is that I only got to see my uncle once as an adult, when I visited my cousins in North Carolina while I was living in the States. Almost a year later, he was gone and I was there to bury him knowing that he and my dad never mended their relationship. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s the complete opposite with my mum’s side. They are extremely close, almost to a fault and I’ve always loved and admired that, especially it being 5 sisters with one brother.

We’ve all had issues growing up - me and my sister, me and my brother, my brother and sister but the love I have for them as people; being there when they first entered this world, babysitting them, teaching them things, spending quality time with them, learning who they were becoming, taking them to school/picking them up, protecting them etc. they’re such special individuals who have all the potential in the world and so much to offer - I don’t know how things got this bad. I’m thinking the best thing to do is distance myself for my own peace and sanity after doing the most and trying to connect with them and overlooking so much, with little to no response - but the thought of it hurts so much and I feel so guilty but I don’t know what else I can do.

Anyone who knows me, knows my sister is my best friend and the fact I can't share with her my excitement about things, or laugh at our inside jokes or just encourage and motivate each other has been so emotionally taxing.

I can’t picture a life with me doing great things and flourishing and them not. That would be the worst case scenario but how do I stop that from happening when I can’t even get in touch with them? I just wish they could see how heartbroken my mum and I are about the whole situation. I know God has hands on this situation which is the only thing that keeps me from breaking down every day. When you couple all this with my unhealed abandonment issues - it’s literally a daily struggle to stay positive. It’s only by the grace of God that I find that positivity and lean on the Lord for strength and comfort.

To be continued...

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