I was having an internal battle with myself for the longest time about writing about this but I believe I'll thank myself at some point for getting this off my chest. It's even harder because the person this is about may or may not be reading this but it's not going to stop me from getting this out of my system.
As a whole, I'm pretty "together" in terms of what I experienced in my recent relationship but there are still some parts of me that are a little bit tender. I think I needed this summer, this hot girl summer in particular to realize how amazing I am as a human being. Being around loved ones and even new people I've met, they may not even realize it but they have affirmed and re affirmed who I am at my core. It's not about needing people to affirm me or tell me how great I am or anything like that. It's simply just being loved on when you need it most.
My ex, by no fault of his own, thought he knew the real me, which is fair because I opened up to him immensely and in a way that I had not done with anyone ever before.
However, I was also quick to remind him that he could never really "know"me without spending time with me - which was difficult because we were long distance (bare in mind my love language is quality time)
I don't know when or how exactly but somewhere along the line, manipulation began to creep into our relationship. I have to be very open right now and admit that I am guilty of using manipulation to gain something. It's a tough admission but no point in me writing all this if I can't be real about my downfalls also. I would never do it to the point where it could ruin someone else's life, at least I fear not but manipulation is manipulation and it's never okay no matter the circumstance. So yeah, he was aware of this and maybe in his mind it was to be expected that I would try to manipulate him or the relationship to gain something at some point in the relationship. Which I did. I definitely wasn't honest in the beginning about a lot of things before we got serious, which I now have come to learn isn't all bad. I wasn't making extravagant claims or pretending to be a completely different person. He saw what he wanted to see and decided he liked it and wanted to pursue me. He never grasped that not all information needs to be given on the initial meeting/conversation... whatever. It's natural to protect yourself from others, people can be so evil and do the unthinkable with private information they're given, whether they need a reason to or not. This is coming from me, someone who doesn't really suffer from trust issues - it's simply the truth.
I guess in his defense, being lied to so much by exes and family, causes you to forcibly extract personal information with a charm and reassuring speech that works to your advantage.
If none of that made sense to you, I'm saying he manipulated me.
But he did it in such a way, it's still months later since we broke up and I'm still reeling from what happened. I desperately need whoever is reading this to understand I am not a victim and have never subscribed to that way of thinking - never will either. I'm the total opposite and blame myself more often than not. However, would I be doing myself an injustice by not admitting when I was wronged? Absolutely.
You have to understand, or try to understand that the way manipulation works by any given individual is that you don't really realize that's what you're experiencing until after, sometimes even well after it has happened. Another transparent moment here that I may regret but at this point it needs to be said. It has taken me years and years to realize how manipulative my mum and grandma are. I love them to pieces and would take several bullets for either one but their tactics are disgusting. I'll save the rest of the details on that for a later post but the point is, they are two of the most closest and important people in my life and I still didn't completely comprehend what they were doing. So with the last few months I've been able to truly think about everything that happened in depth and figure out what the hell I just spent one year doing. Honestly it's so bitter sweet and such a necessary cheat code to life.
When someone not only threatens to kill them self but actually attempts to do so while on the phone with you - that kind of despair hits differently.
Having your privacy invaded and day in day out being accused of something you have no intention of doing (cheating) - that kind of hopelessness hits differently.
Consistently having your character challenged by someone who doesn't know you and doesn't care enough to - that kind of frustration hits differently.
These are just some of the things that drove me to a horrible horrible place in the latter part of 2018. I was extremely suicidal at one point, suffered my first panic attack all while going through the transition of losing my job, a horrific home life due to my ex landlord and roommates and dealing with all this while being in a whole different country thousands of miles away and a whole time zone away from my support system. I don't think a word has been invented to describe or summarize what all that was or where my mind state was. All I know was that I was drained in every way possible.
I remember there was a short period where I would do my make-up kind of bad on purpose and wear unflattering clothes just so I wouldn't get attention from other guys (if you know me I pride myself on being well put together at all times). My ex would make me give him a break down of what I was wearing or take pictures of my outfit so he could check if I was lying or not.
Some may say why deal with all that? why stay? etc. and I think it's more to do with me becoming so easily attached to similar vibrations. So when I connect with someone on a level that transcends anything frivolous, it's quite difficult for me to disassociate from that. I honestly can't explain the hold I let this guy have on me but it turned me into a bit of a pessimist. I felt insecure with my life and as if I didn't deserve better with a lot of things. No matter how much he tried to be positive or tell me uplifting affirmations it was as if his words were laced with a thin veil of negativity, sadness and depression. As if he didn't fully believe what he was saying. I just got that energy from him more often than not.
I don't have a speech or words of wisdom for anyone reading this, it was simply to get a lot of this pent up frustration and lessons learned off my chest. I love myself even more for enduring that and not turning out to be bitter or allow the experience to ruin me. I have an even stronger bond with God now as well because of it, because let's face it, I wouldn't have overcome any of that by myself. I dread to think what the outcome would have been without my faith and the strength and tools God has equipped me with. I don't believe I'm mentally weak or anything however, during that time and all I was going through, it was probably a lot easier to break me down and convince me of straight up fallacies and untruths.
Not to be that person But being more self aware now, I'm noticing just how extremely sensitive I am to energies, vibrations, auras etc. Somehow, most if not all the people I've met since the end of my relationship with my ex have inspired and stimulated me in some way. These are still strangers in a lot of ways but to be around people who are so willing to go above the regular threshold of what you'd do for someone you're just getting to know, is something I haven't seen in a while and a reflection of who I am at my core. Being around people so warm, upbeat, result driven, self aware, giving and enjoy my company genuinely amongst so many other things, has been a Godsend.
For me personally, it's easy to sit here and say I'm far from perfect and take responsibility for my flaws and accept assumed guilt blah blah blah, so I won't. I'm going to try something new.
I want to end this instead, by saying that people are good to me because I have a good heart. I make it a point every day to ask God to use me to be a benefit and blessing to others and so anyone -exes and all who are threatened by that and are trying to recruit me for their misery army, God bless you, it won't work on me ever again.