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Okay, let's talk about it... self sabotage...

According to Psychology Today, it's when behavior "creates problems in our life and interferes with long standing goals" and some of these behaviors are; "procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating and forms of self-injury such as cutting"

I want to address something else that is closely linked with self-sabotage but may be overlooked sometimes...

TRAUMA

noun; 1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

For me, there are are two types of trauma - trauma because of things that have happened to you (where you were the victim) e.g. physical/verbal/mental abuse and trauma because of things that you have allowed to happen to you or that you were responsible for, e.g. procrastinating

While I can confidently say there's a somewhat equal balance of these two types of traumas in my life, I do question very often how many things I've been the root cause of. Regardless of what has been done to me, I am responsible for where I am in life currently -which is a daunting thought to begin with. Stirred in with the realization of how long I've been doing this to myself, well, that's what has led to my depression for the better part of the last two or three years.

It's a cycle.

I realize what has happened, it makes me feel sorry for myself/being hard on myself and that opens the door to feeling worthless which then leaves the door wide open to self-sabotage.

This post isn't all negative though. I think it's healthy to talk about plus it's very therapeutic.

My priorities have been all over the place, not dealing with past hurt/experiences, not confronting things/people/situations head on, unanswered questions, procrastination, hiding my truth amongst so much more has brought me to this point, honestly.

I love the tone of this article I read, it's very frank and bluntly honest. It's not hard to invest in yourself and do better for yourself, especially once you've realized you've been practicing self harming behavior. But it's this weird thing we tend to do as humans -retreat to our old ways or what feels comfortable, even when it's to our own detriment.

Honesty, my biggest fear ever in life (which I don't think I've ever said out loud to anyone) is just being a pretty face with nothing else to offer. I know I'm an amazing writer and story-teller with so many other skills to fall back on. HOWEVER, because of that pressure and having this eternal belief that most people are shallow (bad I know but it's been my experience for the longest time) and just see the exterior and will never believe that I'm good at all the things I know I'm good at, I internalize that. It's made me extremely self-critical like you have no idea! Even setting up this blog site and sharing it with people I know and strangers is such a task for me because I want it to be perfect so badly.

I kind of feel like it's a defense mechanism also, due to a lot of things that went on in my childhood and for a very long time not being comfortable in my body. It was like a diversion - Oh, I may not be attractive but I'm a good writer, I can dress well, I'm nice etc

It's crazy right? I want people to see what I am capable of so much so that I become so self critical and end up not wanting to show anyone anything.

It kind of makes sense if you think about it long enough but it's never okay. It's a daily thing I've been doing and have to keep doing. Perfecting my crafts and telling myself I'm doing a great job but it's perfectly fine to make mistakes and showcase them and not be hard on myself.

I guess there is an upside to being so self-critical, you do eventually come to a realization then acceptance that something needs to change asap. And this is where I'm at currently. So bear with me please while I love myself a little more and for real this time!