.

It's 20 minutes to 1 in the morning and another night replaying out all the craziness that went on in my last relationship *sigh*. Once again, I thought I was getting over it day by day - there also hasn't been a day where one of the more traumatic moments of that relationship hasn't crossed my conscious. I know that if I wasn't who I was and built on a strong foundation of faith, I would probably never get over this and end up being one of those people who never truly loves again. God forbid. I'm loved and I love love so that could never be me but I'd be lying if I said I haven't had moments when I felt like I didn't have it in me to love someone wholeheartedly. The way I always have in any relationship I've been in. I loved this guy and I gave him my all despite what he thought. I did everything I felt I was supposed to, even it being a long distance relationship- my first one at that. Areas where I fell short, I listened and worked on doing better. To have that all thrown back in your face... well, the word to describe that hasn't been created yet. I'm constantly haunted by it and I really do blame myself, if I'm being honest, for ignoring the many red flags. I actually feel bad for guys that have tried to talk to me or pursue me since because I haven't been able to give my all and have definitely ghosted a few, I'm not proud of that. I just can't handle when someone starts to pour out their feelings or it gets too intense. It's scary to me because that's so not who I am, its such foreign behaviour . Not that prior to my last relationship I was going around freely loving every guy I came across but I definitely didn't have the same inhibitions I have now. I've always, for the most part, wore my heart on my sleeve and now I feel like I can't move like that anymore. It's becoming way too detrimental and causing too much heartache -and I'm not even just talking about myself.

I think some of the re-visiting and replaying certain parts of the relationship also comes from the fact that I was banking so much on this relationship. I think we both were. I saw a future with this person at one point. Something I hadn't experienced in a while in prior relationships and dating. He met my mum! And only after a few months of dating at that (she happened to be visiting me in the States at the time), I told everyone who would listen, about him -even my Dad and he knew how much of a big deal that was for me. On top of that, before we broke up, head had recently been offered a job in NYC which would have meant we would be a lot closer to each other. As it turned out though, none of that even mattered because there were so many issues that those factors could never fix, but believe me, we definitely tried.

And I just wasn't myself in that relationship. Having to walk on egg shells, going to sleep arguing or not sleeping because of arguing and having to be ok the next morning to go to work with all the other BS going on around me. Yeah, 2017-2018 was such a turbulent period for me. My mind state was disturbing and so dark and negative and a lot of self sabotage was going on and even worse, manifesting itself in some crazy ways. This is why I love the God I serve so much. If not for his mercy, favour and grace over my life, my life would have been over back then for sure. If not for God, everyday I would be reliving some of the disturbing and messed up things that happened to me when I was younger (which I really need to find the strength and courage to talk about one day) and be living such a stagnant life, unable to progress , mature and most importantly, forgive. I literally owe God my life.

I've never ever left a relationship/friendship mostly reflecting on the bad times so much until now, it sucks and I know it may make the other person look bad -which is obviously not my intention. I think it's more of a reminder of how unequally yoked we were because no one should ever feel this way about a relationship. Especially one in which they loved the person hard. You should know my style at this point, I see the good and positive in everyone and everything and while there were positives to come out of that relationship, I have to be completely honest to and with myself to heal from this properly.

And speaking of being honest, I have to admit that I did reach out to him earlier this year after no contact since the break up. I didn't get a response which I've come to realize is a good thing. It just confirmed what I already know to be true - that this person's presence in my life has well and truly expired.