10. The Love you Save

Entry 10: Saturday August 5th 2017, 7:17AM

Dear Diary,

I met a guy!

This is still so fresh and so weird, the way it happened and it's all down to my interfering ass sisters.

Ava forced herself into my house insisting that we all go out tonight since her boyfriend had just sold his first house. I guess it was a reason to celebrate but I still wasn't convinced. She went on Instagram to see what events were going on tonight in central and I had a look on Twitter. Ultimately, we decided on Paper in Soho. I actually hadn't been since it had re-opened. I was kind of excited at first since it'd been too long since I'd been out in London. Plus, the thought of dressing up and looking cute was appealing to me.

"Make sure you look cute, yeah?" She smirked. I was offended.
And when did she develop this Essex accent anyway?

She left the house momentarily, only to return about 30 mins later with some Jamaican food - my fav!

"What is all this about Av' (her nickname)? Are you trying to butter me up or?"

"Okay, please don't get angry at me but it was Mili's fault..."

"...What have you two done?" I said with a straight face.

"She set you up with one of Omari's friend's..."

"No, she didn't" I laughed.

"I'm dead serious. He likes you. He said he followed you on IG but you didn't accept the request."

"I haven't been on Instagram since we got back from holiday. What's his name on there then?"

"Go on it and you'll see."

This was absurd even for Mili and Ava. They had really outdone themselves this time. Do I have desperate written on my forehead?

Anyway fast forward to around 7pm, all the girls came to mine to get ready. I remember feeling so blessed to finally be at this point where I wasn't living and breathing for DJ. I was finally doing me, wholeheartedly, truly and genuinely for the first time in about 15 years. This is all new to me but I have no other choice but to embrace it.

Anyway, the plan was to all meet at Omari's place for pre drinks before heading out to central. Me, Mili, Jen and Ola went in Mili's car and Ava, Dorcas and Seraphine went in Ava's car. Sydney couldn't make it.

We didn't get to Omari's house until about 11pm - never mind the fact that we had left at like, 10:15pm and were only going o Brixton. I mean, I already knew it was going to be one of those nights, but I digress.

So as soon as we pulled up, we could hear the bass from Omari's friend Curtis' (I'm guessing) new Audi Coupe and soon enough we saw him get out of the car and another friend I hadn't seen before got out of the passenger's side.

"I think that's him, that's the guy" Mili nudged as we started piling out of the car.

"Curtis!" She yelled. He and the mystery guy were heading towards the door of the apartment complex but quickly turned around.

"Oh shit, evenin' ladies" He waited until we caught up with them to introduce us to mystery guy.

"This is my cousin Midé" I noticed that this Midé guy kept his gaze on me from the moment we approached them so I purposely avoided eye contact with him after that because he was just weird.

I didn't believe at first that this was the guy they had set me up with. His personality didn't match what Ava had told me, along with the fact Ava hadn't confirmed this was indeed him. Now that I'd had a better glimpse of him, I was even more confused.Why would they think we would look good together? He was really light skinned, really skinny and way cuter than what I'd ordinarily find attractive. I guess this was there attempt to make sure I don't compare him to DJ. They always said I could do better looks-wise. Just because both their boyfriends looked like guys straight off of the IG 'explore' page, doesn't mean that's what everyone wants or likes.

After all the pleasantries, we all walked to the entrance of the apartment complex where another of Omari's friends was waiting by the door to let us in. We all greeted him and followed him into the lift. By this time, I was beginning to wonder if Ava or Mili were just playing with me because still no indication, alert or green light as to if this was the mystery guy they had set me up with. I was steadily getting annoyed having to be around him. He was giving me funny looks on the whole ride up in the lift.

There were way more people in Omari's apartment than I think we'd all anticipated, making this set up even more awkward.

But finally Ava said while looking around, "Erm the mystery guy isn't even here yet, where is heee?" Sounded more like she was asking me than asking herself.

She continued scanning the room and I eventually joined in despite not knowing who or what for that matter, I was looking for.

"Mili told me that she thought that Midé guy... so you mean to tell me neither of you know him or spoke to him?"

She hesitated.

"I've met him and spoke to him. Mili was just trying to make you anxious."

Yeah? Well I have enough anxiety for this whole room of people right now, I thought to myself.

Not long after, two more guys walked into the room. I noticed them as I sat on the love seat nestled between Seraphine and Mili. Seraphine was in on project 'Set Up' too, being Ava's right hand, so she nudged me. A little too hard to be honest.

"The one in the middle, that's Nyeem, your mystery man!" She squealed.

So this was him. Brown skin, about 6'0-ish, shirt crispy white against his chest and just the right amount of buttons left open...yeah I think it's been established now that I notice these kind of things.

Thick, thick beard and once again, he was cute. Like really cute. My kind of cute.
The girls did well looks-wise, I'll give them that.

Mili  being the eldest of the three of us was always the loudest and most bold, immediately got his attention and motioned for him to come towards us.

I was not prepared but with all my new found confidence and assertiveness, I had something to prove to myself.

"Mili... you're so annoying!" I chucked nervously, slightly pushing her. She got up to hug him as he strutted over. I noticed Seraphine and her friend had got up to leave, making more space (and less eyes and ears) on the love seat.

"Hey Nyeem, this is my little sis, I was telling you about..." I shuffled over to give him enough space to sit down, then stuck out my hand as he sat down.

"Nice to meet you Nyeem."

"Likewise." He grinned.

His teeth a blinding white against his black gums. I guess I was staring a little bit too hard at his teeth because he finally ejected:
"You like my teeth huh?"
"I mean, yeah they're nice- you have nice teeth." Stuttering like an absolute fool and he was reveling in my awkwardness.

"So do you." He grinned again.

"Thank you. So, do you-"

"Listen everyone, we need to start making moves right now. Everyone got a ride yeah?" Omari belted from the other side of his apartment.

There were about 20 people in his apartment at this point so I knew that alone was going to make for an interesting night.

"You wanna ride with me?" He asked super casually, as if we'd known each other for longer than 5 mins. "You can finish asking me what you were about to ask"

Everyone else in the room now gathering their belongings and heading out of the apartment and towards the lifts. Then, out of nowhere:

"You coming with us babe or?"


I told you already she was the loud one. I looked up at her and then back up at him as he stood up patting his pockets for his car keys.

"I'll see you guys there." I said calmly. Secretly ecstatic that I had played it so cool.

He grinned for what had to be the 1000th time tonight, took my hand, helped me up and we headed out of the apartment. His arm over my shoulder, the last ones to leave.

9. Some day, we'll look back fondly

Entry 9: Tuesday July 25th 2017, 9:57PM

Dear Diary,

Today I finally went through some of DJ's things that he had left behind when he had moved out. I'm not sure why he hasn't come back to retrieve them. I hope he's not expecting me to invite him over to do so. 

I found his roley that he had worked and saved up so hard for when he turned 18, a hotel key fob from when we went on our first bae-cation for my 20th... or was it my 21st?? He spoiled me crazy for that whole week. I found a pair of his velvet Christian Louboutin loafers I hated with a passion! He made them work somehow, like he did with everything. He wasn't the most attractive by most standards but he was attractive by most standards but he was attractive to me and attracted to me and that was enough for me. He was an excellent dresser.

Still is.

GQ Man of the Year every year as far as I'm concerned.

His cocoa dark chocolate skin and pearly whites will never leave my mind. That stark contrast... his body too. His body was more beautiful than mine. He was really something to look at when he had on  his Sunday best and even when he had nothing on. 

I also found a polaroid picture we took from 2015. I think this was after the engagement was back on for the 2nd time. His Dad was in the background photo bombing as usual. Now that I look at it, they were like twins.

Beautiful beasts.

He was my beautiful beast. However, looking at this picture I see beauty. He's a good guy just a bit lost in the sauce, or lost in the stew as he'd put it.

The item that touched me the most was the promise ring he gave me when we were like, 15 or 16. Not going to lie, I didn't expect to find this here given that he did not keep the promise...

8. LaFamiliar

Entry 8: Friday July 21st 2017, 8:43PM

Dear Diary,

It's been difficult settling back in after that life-altering adventure. I say life-altering because my mind-set has been completely revamped. From the night everything happened almost 2 months ago, til' now, I've had so many Aha! moments. I thought I would never get over DJ, at the time. But we spoke the same day I came back. Something I thought wouldn't happen as soon as it did. I first spoke to Paulina, who kept mentioning that hr end in the room with her. Mrs Zuvari is a persistent woman who 9 times out of 10 gets what she wants. I know she wasn't trying to fix us back together but she just knew we both were dying to check in on each other. 

"Okay Paulina, can I speak to him for a minute?"

"Of course, my darling."

A couple of seconds passed until that voice I had fallen in love with all those years ago filled up the silence.

"Hello?! Baby- I mean..."

"Hello DJ, how are you?" I ejected before anymore awkwardness ensued.

"I'm doing ok, more importantly, how are you?"

He always had a way of making whomever he was talking to feel more important than he actually thought they were.

"I'm fine thanks, how's work?" I mustered up, although it literally pained me to continue the conversation. A simple

"How are you?"

Would have sufficed but I guess I was trying to persuade him I was handling everything perfectly fine and was perfectly capable of having a normal conversation with him.

"Work is work. I don't remember the last time I've been home this early, though." He half smirked. Neither did I, but technically he wasn't home. Home should have been here with me and yet, he hadn't arrived.

I remained quiet in the hopes that he would realize what he had just said.

He laughed and I heard him lightly slap the side of his cheek.

"I miss you so much and I'm not saying that to make you reconsider. That's just truly how I feel..."

His words didn't phase me but I did smile at the fact he had been thinking about me at least.

"I appreciate that, I just don't see why you're sharing that right now though." I'm sure it shocked him that I was so outright with it. He paused... and he never did that. 

"It's important to me to let you know that I still love and care about you. It would hurt a lot more if you assumed anything other than that about me."

"Did your mum tell you I went to The Bahamas a few weeks ago?" It hurt that I couldn't respond to his statement. It also hurt that I didn't have a response to his statement. He seemed to give up after that and join me in this game I had created of not indulging in his guilt. 

"Actually, your Dad did. I wish could have heard it from you though. Would have loved to hear how excited you would've been."

Guess he hadn't given in.

There's no denying that DJ loved me, his exes will even admit that much but his love hurt too much. Everything about him was too much. He demanded too much and expected too much and when the same amount wasn't reciprocated, he cared too much. Way more than a reasonable person would.

He loved me too much while loving himself too much. There was no balance so how could it have ever worked? He was the leader, CEO, creator and founder of #TeamTooMuch

"What would that have done for you?" I began to ask, while instantly beginning to regret it.

"Look, I know you don't believe it now but I really do want you to be happy. You deserve that. I love seeing you happy. It makes me happy. I love-" I heard his voice start to change, it was a tone I hadn't heard in him before. He sounded nervous but still sincere.

"I love that you're talking to me, babe. I really do. I fucked up really bad this time, I'm reminded every moment and everyday I don't speak to you."

He never curses by the way.

"And I'm not saying this to win you back. I just love you and miss you and I don't know what I'm doing."

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't relate. Yes I still loved him and even missed him but I knew telling him would only give in to what I'd been fighting since our first break up. DJ is a lot of things but he isn't someone who won't rise to the occasion. If given the opportunity. And that's the point of this whole thing. 

I'd given him too many opportunities.

He did indeed rise to the occasion but not in the way I'd hoped. I truly didn't have any more pieces of my heart left to give him.

"I have to go now, but can I call you sometime?
I know you don't want to see me but can we take it slow?"

"DJ, it's not a good idea. It's-"

"I'm not trying to change your mind, I promise and I'll give you time. Whatever you need, I just need you to know I love you."

"Just give me time."

"Like I said, whatever you need. Take care of yourself ok?"

"You too"

He didn't know it but it was also important to me for him to still tell me he loved and cared for me. It has definitely made it easier to not be with him. I guess it showed that we are not hateful people. The love was and is still there but we abused the love, took it for granted way more times than we didn't. But we also have the ability and potential to love beyond  this relationship.

DJ will probably be the hardest guy I'll ever have to get over but I'll get there one day, I have to, for my sake and his.

7. Serene State of Mind

Entry 7: Wednesday June 28th 207, 10:46AM (Local Time)

Dear Diary, 

Wow!! We're leaving for Miami later tonight but honestly, I'm not ready.

Despite all the craziness getting here; bags being lost in transit and negligent airline staff, I'm overwhelmed by how inviting this place has been. Cable beach is everything I wanted it to be and more. When. I. Tell. You. The. Sand. Is. Gold!! I almost feel unworthy of being able to feel it and lay in it. It's simply stunning. Everything here is.

We visited Paradise Island and spent the day there yesterday until there were reports of an impending hurricane. I actually would have loved to witness it. To compare it to the last few weeks I've had and see which feels worse. I relate so much to this place and yet I can't relate at all. It's a relatively serene place but every so often a major storm will arrive determined to throw everything out of whack and off balance, cause extensive damage. But there's also beauty in the storm. There's always a lesson to learn, the picking up the pieces of what is left can give you the strength to weather another storm.

Thank you Bahamas and thank you DJ for the lessons. I'm as tranquil right now as I deserve to be. While my insides and outsides are at work to prepare me for the next storm coming this way. I know I'll be okay now. This vacation has confirmed that. I can still cry and be confused and hurt because it's part of the process. I realize that now.

"Help me shatter this Darkness
To smash this night
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!" - Langston Hughes, 'As I grow Older'

6. Calmin' Before There Is Stormin'

Entry 6: Wednesday June 14th 2017, 5:35PM

Dear Diary,

I left work early to get a start on packing for our trip tomorrow and Sydney is here helping. We're here just reminiscing about how innocent we were and when the only experience of hurt we had was not getting the latest Barbie doll that had come out. 

When the world didn't seem so bad because mum and dad made everything better. Before we actually understood what the severity of the news caster announcing yet another 'Terrorist Attack' meant and way before 'Black Lives Matter' was something people, black, white and in-between had to be constantly reminded of.

Before DJ and his amazing family came and ruined my life...

I can't believe there are still parts of the world I'm yet to discover. The Bahamas will be the first of many many many more. I have to make this a regular thing. I've missed out on way too much.

5. #Goals

Entry 5: Monday June 12th 2017, 6:18PM

Dear Diary, 

I'm going on holiday! I deserve this. The Lord knows it. My sisters and I leave on Thursday for two weeks in paradise and a week of shopping and partying. From The Bahamas to Miami - my fav place in the world! Mili really came through for us with an amazing deal.


Me, Mili, Ava and Sydney.


Getting a break from this place is exactly what I want and need. My goal is to give my mind a break and each day to serve as a reminder of how blessed I am - so basically I'm trying to live each day to the fullest.

Mrs Zuvari called again during my lunch break, but no mention of her son and what has transpired between us. She genuinely wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing. I guess she didn't want to know the details? I wouldn't either, if I were her. Or I guess he showed up and told the truth, for once. I appreciated her though. She has definitely been instrumental in my growth and maturity. After all, she's known me since I was 14. The truth is I adore her. Almost as a mother. A large reason I stayed with DJ as long as I did, was her, the vision she had for us...

This wasn't meant to be about him- ughhh.

Back to this holiday, I know it's so cliche to go on a girls trip after a big break-up but I definitely see the need and I for sure take it as being more out of necessity than anything else.

4. A Lil' About Me

Entry 4: Sunday June 11th 2017, 7:53PM

Dear Diary, 

This house is not a home. It hasn't been a home since he left, to be honest. But it will be a home to someone else one day, someone else who dreamed of a perfect life and family. As for me, this place will always be a symbol of my past, a reminder of then, a signifier of change, and encouragement for growth.

And growth is the right sentiment for this segment of my life. I have overcome so much and I will continue to.

I am surprisingly hopeful today. Church is really taking me to depths- or should I say heights, that I've never experienced. People are noticing, my friends, my sister, my Dad.

We spoke today and he said I will learn to love again and again and again. He said that God gives his toughest challenges to his strongest soldiers.
And I do feel like a soldier that has been fighting in a lengthy war that appears to be never ending. Blessed with the ammunition to get through it, cursed with the memories and consequences.

I've got to start living for me and not what could have been. I owe myself that much. I'm tired of wallowing in self pity and nothingness. I have a whole future ahead, whether he is part of it or not. I'm here and I'm living and I will always have love to give, no matter how hard it is, that's what will ultimately keep me going and I have to keep going until I can be the best version of myself possible.

3.  Letting go of the past... or nah?

Entry 3: Tuesday June 6th 2017, 4:22PM

Dear Diary,

His mum called...

I froze when her name popped up on the screen. I really did contemplate letting it go to voicemail but I knew I had to make a decision in a matter of seconds and just as I was about to slide answer she hung up. 

Timing, eh?

Obviously I was curious as to why she was calling... she wasn't trying to plead or bargain with me was she? She wasn't trying to apologize, was she? Was she going to try to make me see sense? Or was she just checking up on me? It's only been a week, doesn't she understand that people need time?!

Needless to say, I called her back right away, the curiosity was about to kill me. 

"How are you?" She answered instantaneously.

"I'm okay thank you, Mrs Zuvari"

Wow, that was going to be my last name. I swallowed the hard lump in my throat.

"How are you, Mrs Zuvari?"

"I'm fine dear, why do you sound like that? I haven't heard from you in a few days, what's going on?"

I swallowed a newly formed lump in my throat and remained silent. 


"I'm here, Mrs Zuvari, I'm just not feeling too good right now. Can I call you later?"

"What's wrong? I'm really worried, sweetheart."

"I'm just gonna go lie down, I'll be fine I-"

"Where's DJ?" 
My eyes grew wide. Why would she ask me that? Doesn't she know I'm trying to get over that name and that portion of my life? I hadn't heard or seen or spoken that name in almost two weeks, yet it's a name that has constantly been on my mind. 

I managed to muster up a responsible while fighting back and forth with that shaky voice you get when you're about to cry.

"Mrs Zuvari you know he's not living here anymore. Please. I'd really like to go rest now..."

"Not living here anymore... what do you mean? What is going on? Please talk to me, sweetheart" Her accent thick now, her tone higher now. "Do you want me to come over? I can be there in a few minutes, darling?"

"Mrs Zuvari, please I-"

"Why won't you tell me what's going on? Did the two of you break up or something?" The silence was deafening, so the suspense must have been a killer. But you mean to tell me, DJ did not tell his own mother - his confidant, his best friend, his everything that he'd broken up a gazillion questions on both sides but mine had to be answered first. 

"Mrs Zuvari, DJ didn't tell you?"

"No, he did not. What is going on? Is he ok?"

"I'll call you back, I promise." I hung up the phone.

It's over an hour later and I'm still wondering if I should call her back. It's not my responsibility to tell his mother that we were no longer together and he had moved out. How do I look telling her that her son is a despicable human being right now, who I still love btw but want nothing to do with? He can tell her that for himself. As you can imagine, the 'why's and the why nots' have plagued my mind since I hung up the phone. 

I'm more confused now than I was last week and as with everything else in my life right now, nothing is going the way I thought it would.

2.  What the hell am I gonna do next?

Entry 2: Thursday June 1st 2017, 1:15PM

Dear Diary, 

It's been one of those days. Everything reminds me of him, what we had and now what I've lost. 

I just want to disappear. I had so many plans for this year, so much I wanted to achieve. How will I be able to do anything feeling like this? I feel worse than when we first found out his younger brother, Prince had that freak accident during New Years Eve two years ago.

Worse than when we called off the engagement the first time. 

Worse than when we had the miscarriage... I truly wonder if there is anyone out there who has endured as much as I have in relationships. 

I could write a dozen short tragicomedies about this part of my life. I've stopped socializing, I don't even go out with my girls. Everything turns me off except daydreaming of how everything has played out so far and countless alternative endings.

I've been doing that a lot actually.

Dreaming up fantasies of how things could have turned out. I definitely believe somewhere out there, there, there's another version of me who is living in an alternate universe, who is living a completely different version of my life. Maybe, this is just my reality but another me is flourishing and blossoming and loving in love. Who isn't always wondering where her fiancé is when he's not with her. Damn, I'm a mess, let me chill out. I have no idea where to go, literally just going through the motions. Clocking in day in and day out. Something's got to give, man and it better be soon.

1. The Break-Up

Entry 1: Monday May 29th 2017, 11:58PM

Dear Diary,

I did it.

We broke up.

I ended it.


Although I'm in absolute pieces right now and tear are raining down hard on to this page, I feel lighter than I've felt in years. I feel like I've been stuck in a bubble and God finally burst it and I'm free.

I also feel conflicted.

Yes, I'm free and all but what if I can't make it on my own? What if everything and everyone reminds me of him? What if he tries to come back? What if he still loves me?... What if I still love him? I men, I hate him and I still love him. I still feel something for him and that's what makes all of this so hard.

How long am I going to feel this way? What if I was wrong?

Does any of this even matter?

I mean, the most important thing right now is that I did it... right?