MUSINGS


December 12th 2019,






CURRENT INSPIRATION πŸ’‘πŸ’‘πŸ’‘

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December 11th 2019,


Quick update:  Today was better, nothing spectacular happened to make it so, I just tried shifting my focus and it worked. I haven't laughed as much and as hard as I have today, in a hot minute. I'm actually scared I'm going to burst a blood vessel in my head if I don't stop, it's that serious! 
Grateful.

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December 10th 2019,


Have you ever had one of those days where you're really down, not even about anything in particular but you also have this overwhelming belief that this feeling is so temporary, you can't even allow yourself to dwell in the sadness for too long? Anyone?


Overall, I'm feeling quite off today. Drained and fatigued and a little bit annoyed at myself for allowing certain negative thoughts to take precedence over everything I'm trying to do. Also, I did go to bed really really late yesterday and was woken up out of my sleep (my biggest pet peeve, but it was unintentional so I'm not too annoyed). I'm expecting some important news tomorrow which will change things and I'm feeling confident about it so I have that to look forward to as well as the fact I recently went for a check up at the sexual health clinic and everything is good, so overall I really don't have much, if anything, to be down about but yet here we are lol. I'm also finishing up my menstrual cycle so it could just be that too, I don't know but I do know I definitely won't be feeling like this tomorrow!

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December 6th 2019,





Finishing out the year the only way I know how to... strong! I've been super super busy, networking, job hunting and excelling for my 2020 takeover! Well, 2020 and beyond. I'm praying for anyone reading this also, that 2020 will be your best year yet, may all that you've worked and sacrificed for come into fruition in ways you could never have imagined! 

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November 14th 2019, 



Freeway feat. Jay-Z & Beanie Sigel - What We Do

Very few people know this but this is one of my favourite songs ever. First of all, something about Just Blaze's production and sample use on this sits so well with the cold/winter aesthetic of the video.  I think just having three of the coldest rappers of that time period on one track helps also. From the first time I heard this song way back when, it made me want to throw on some timbs a big, chunky puffer jacket before rubbing my hands together (Birdman style of course) and head out in the snow to God knows where lmao, but it's just the vibe the song gives. I've already stated somewhere on this site that I am obsessed with visuals that match the accompanying song and it's no different here. The video was clearly a homage to not only their story coming up, but of course the main premise of the TV show, The Wire - which again, very few people know is one of my favourite TV shows. The fact that they got a lot of the main cast to star in the music video just makes it all the more better.

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I was yesterday-years-old when I finally realized (for real this time) that I have a serious overthinking problem. I met up with an old close close friend who I hadn't spoken to in what, three years or so and I had made up this crazy story- not even made up, but convinced myself that she and my former group of friends were tired of me and well, I was out of sight so out of mind. Even though there was no prior fall out or disagreement, we all kind of just drifted apart when I had moved to America. Anyway, long story short, we met up and I anticipated it maybe being a bit awkward or tense, it couldn't have been a more beautiful reunion. I love that girl and missed her even more! We tried to compress the last three or so years into a two and half hour meeting, which wasn't actually that hard lol but obviously we had a lot of stories to save for another day. The meeting taught me a valuable lesson on how I treat people. I have to stop assuming the worst particularly for those who continue to show up for me and love me. I'm hoping it will be this easy and not stress inducing when/if I eventually meet up with the other girls. Sooo much has gone down since I last spoke to them all on both sides, but the great thing is that things were left on positive terms. It was just a case  of no one making more of an effort to reach out to the other. I'll be sure to make updates on here as I repair and restructure relationships with friends and family, because there is a LOT of work to be done evidently.

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November 11th 2019,

I have this person in my life who is super super close to me and on paper would probably make the perfect boyfriend or husband. However, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that person and I shouldn't be anything more than what we currently are. It didn't fully register until today just how much this person brings down my mood. The constant debating my thoughts and opinions like I'm not allowed to have them. This person still, after all these years doesn't understand that I'm not always the most practical of people therefore we obviously don't think the same, operate the same or want the same things and allows no grace for that whatsoever. It's beyond frustrating because every other aspect of our relationship is fine. We get along very well when it comes to anything music related, we enjoy spending time together, give great advice to each other. It just seems as though whenever I have a strong opinion about something, it turns into a back and forth when I'm just simply stating how I feel. More often than not, I like to discuss opposing ideas and opinions on a topic, but with this person, it seems to always turn into a full on battle.
"Here's my list of why I feel the complete opposite and now I'm going to proceed to shove it down your throat to show you that how I feel about the topic matters more than anything else"
πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

As I was typing this, we actually just got into a heated conversation over a text he sent me. I just-
And to think, I was feeling so inspired after an amazing poetry event I had just left and now I have to process this situation.

It's obvious I'm still healing from a lot of things, especially relationship trauma and I want to give myself enough room to make mistakes, then make things right but it's really time for a drastic change. I feel like my only option right now is to start being more strategic about not letting anyone who isn't within my immediate family feel entitled to talk to me however they want or demand from me whatever they want. Yes, the threshold just got smaller because my tolerance for being disrespected and having my time and patience disrespected got smaller.
The phrase, "you give them an inch and they take a mile" comes to mind here. So poignant.

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November  4th 2019, 



Victoria Monet - Ass Like That

I can't stop listening to this song! Especially when I'm in the gym, omg it makes me go so hard lmao. I love her sense of humour and that she doesn't take herself or her music too seriously. Love the production, it's not what I would have expected to hear, given the title of the song but she definitely made it work and I think that just adds to the overall humor of it all. 

She deserves so much more recognition especially for playing a big role in Ariana Grande's new sound, give her the respect and praise she deserves, thank you!

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October 27th 2019, 











I'll never look my age and I love it.



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30 Today!

It's true indeed what a difference a year can make. This time last year I was going through it! I didn't want to celebrate, I was highly emotional and distressed, my cousin had to force me out of the house and bribe me to come to NY to celebrate it. It ended up being a great night (I miss Miss Lily's so much, I think about it on a daily basis) but still.

I stood firm in the fact I was going to be back in London for my 30th, whether I did something or not I just wanted to be home and surrounded by my immediate family. Even the last few weeks, I'd been praying and seeing 11:11 constantly and meditating on having a peaceful, joyous birthday -and would you look at how it turned out! I'm really simple at heart - just give me good food, great company and I'll have the time of my life. Thank you to anyone reading this that contributed to me having a perfect birthday. I'm so ready for this new chapter, already starting it right by taking my mental and physical more seriously, making amends, loving more, etc. 

With that being said, I made a list of 30 things I've learned before 30:

1. It's perfectly fine to cut off or distance yourself from family to protect yourself from mental/emotional abuse or toxicity.

2. When a loved one tells you to not stress or worry about a negative situation they're in, listen to them and act accordingly for your own sanity and well-being.

3. Do everything yourself first.

4. Don't allow anyone, family or not to dump their emotional baggage on you.

5. When you live your truth, like-minded souls have no choice but to stan.

6. Try everything at least once.

7. Learn and love who you are at your core.

8. Create, create, create. And when you're done, create some mo'!

9. Never stop showing gratitude. EVER. For all things big and small.

10. Give whenever you can.

11. Take chances/risks as often as possible.

12. Don't allow family to continue to disrespect you.

13. No need to be passive aggressive or petty, just address the ish and keep it moving.

14. Yoga works!

15. Stay assertive.

16. Love hard but always with conscious. 

17. Tell your loved ones you love them, miss them etc. 

18. Master learning to ask for help directly without beating around the bush or expecting people to read your mind and just know what you need.

19. You can learn the most about yourself in a short amount of time (in my instance, 9 months).

20. Love your body and teach your mind to respect it.

21. Never stop reinventing yourself.

22. Freedom tops everything, you can never put a price on that.

23. Passionate people, we care deeply about a number of things and people but it's truly okay to not care about everything and everyone. It's impossible to do so. 

24. THERE IS BEAUTY IN EVERYTHING! ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.

25. You are loved more than you can sometimes even fathom or comprehend and you know what? It shows, just look deeper.

26. It's perfectly fine to not have a type when it comes to guys. Vibes and chemistry mean so much more. 

27. You can manifest the life you want and the things you want by eradicating STRESSSSSSS, WORRRRRRRRYY and DOUUBBTTT!

28. Certain situations REQUIRE you to use your HEAD and IGNORE your heart which is necessary to prevent heartbreak and disappointment.

29. Gym is life... wow that's crazy coming from me, but it's true.

30. Unlearning is just as necessary as learning.

BONUS

31. Don't let anyone disturb your healing and vice versa. 

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October 21st 2019,


So I'm basically a gym rat now lmao.


I surprise myself all the time smh. I've never been into going to the gym, I just think it can be distracting and also my ocd when it comes to hygiene and cleanliness... thinking of all the germs on those machines right now is making me shudder. But I don't want that to be my excuse for not working out anymore. Plus, I actually like my local gym. It's walking distance and it's never busy when I tend to go really early in the morning. Now, I'm no gym expert, in fact I want to get a personal trainer soon but it definitely helps knowing what each machine is for and how it can aid in toning and sculpting the body. I'm a treadmill kind of girl, I can be on that thing for ages and it helps when you have a fire playlist! I also use the rowing machine, arc trainer /elliptical and the stationary bike. So I'll do about 10/15 mins on each and then if I'm in the mood, I'll go to the sauna and/or steam room and then have a swim- although I don't know why, I really don't like swimming once the temperature starts to drop. I'm always cold and water only intensifies that so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I don't necessarily have a goal that I'm trying to achieve just yet, I just know I want to be more active and  healthy and it's also a helpful distraction. Definitely keeps me out of my sometimes negative thoughts and instead focusing on something that will benefit me overall. I've also started meditating (seriously this time) and I wish I had been taking it seriously sooner. It has been keeping me focused and motivated on what's important right now. Omg and I've been eating so much but so much healthier as well, sleeping more and being more intentional about having a cleaner mind, body and soul overall.

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October 10th 2019,

I'm back in London! I still feel like it all happened really quickly but it was definitely the right decision for me. If you're not aware, I was living in New Jersey and honestly, not my happiest. Major life lesson I've learned this year is that having my freedom and complete autonomy over my life is what truly makes my heart happy. Whenever that's compromised, I find it difficult to fully be myself or be content with my current circumstances. Maybe one day I'll fully explain why I felt I wasn't in complete control over my life while I was away from home, but for now, it feels good to be able to articulate that in a way that makes sense. Trust me, I've tried explaining it out loud and I know for sure the other person must have been thinking, "girl, what?"

Anywayyy I'm still settling in and re-familiarizing myself with this place because London has changed in so many ways. I was so eager to come back and I feel like in a lot of ways my expectations have been met so far. Can't wait to fall back in love with London, I know I know it sounds real cheesy but I've always had a love/hate relationship with London and being away for so long, especially with the current climate in the US... Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of madness going on here too but I'm so so so grateful to be home.  ❤️


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September 21st 2019,











 





Okay, I lied. 
Grandma had to give it to them one last time before summer is officially over, you know the vibes.  πŸ˜


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Definitely didn't intend to disappear for this long but September has been... a lot.
I've been highly stressed out and not eating as well as I should be, coinciding with my period resulted in a horrible break out on my face (which I always seem to get just in time for my birthday, lovely). But I'm recovering in a healthier way now (and have successfully completed my hot girl summer so it's back to grandma mode for me), as I get ready for this big transition, which I'll go into more detail on when the time is right. I've had a lot of support lately from loved ones, especially my people back in London, forever grateful. I'm honestly excited for this new chapter and I've been receiving so many signs from God and the universe that I'm on the right track. Also getting into manifesting things I want and vibrating higher, as always. It's a different kind of peace you experience when you stop worrying and fully immerse yourself in being faithful that there is good around you and good coming to you. It's beautiful and I'm ready and open to receiving what I know I deserve.


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August 26th 2019,



  


                                                 

My weekend didn't completely go as planned (can you tell?) , but my Afropunk look was cute, so I really don't see any losses. 
😜
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August 24th 2019, 

Little Brother - May The Lord Watch

I think this is my favourite album of the year! First of all because it was a total surprise, to me anyway and secondly it's true to the LB sound that I have loved since The Minstrel Show and even Getback. I just knewwww 9th Wonder (His work on Rapsody's album makes up for his absence from this though!) was responsible for some of the production on this some... until I checked the album credits. It's kind of a shame he didn't make any production appearances but clearly it doesn't even matter this album is so refreshing and necessary!

The skits/interludes make it that much better. So unapologetically Black - we stan!

My Favourite Tracks: The Feel, Everything, Black Magic (Make It Better), Good Morning Sunshine, What I Came For, Picture This, Work Through Me.




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August 12th 2019, 

I was having an internal battle with myself for the longest time about writing about this but I believe I'll thank myself at some point for getting this off my chest. It's even harder because the person this is about may or may not be reading this but it's not going to stop me from getting this out of my system. 

As a whole, I'm pretty "together"  in terms of what I experienced in my recent relationship but there are still some parts of me that are a little bit tender. I think I needed this summer, this hot girl summer in particular to realize how amazing I am as a human being. Being around loved ones and even new people I've met, they may not even realize it but they have affirmed and re affirmed who I am at my core. It's not about needing people to affirm me or tell me how great I am or anything like that. It's simply just being loved on when you need it most. 
My ex, by no fault of his own, thought he knew the real me, which is fair because I opened up to him immensely and in a way that I had not done with anyone ever before. 
However, I was also quick to remind him that he could never really "know"me without spending time with me - which was difficult because we were long distance (bare in mind my love language is quality time)

I don't know when or how exactly but somewhere along the line, manipulation began to creep into our relationship. I have to be very open right now and admit that I am guilty of using manipulation to gain something. It's a tough admission but no point in me writing all this if I can't be real about my downfalls also. I would never do it to the point where it could ruin someone else's life, at least I fear not but manipulation is manipulation and it's never okay no matter the circumstance. So yeah, he was aware of this and maybe in his mind it was to be expected that I would try to manipulate him or the relationship to gain something at some point in the relationship. Which I did. I definitely wasn't honest in the beginning about a lot of things before we got serious, which I now have come to learn isn't all bad. I wasn't making extravagant claims or pretending to be a completely different person. He saw what he wanted to see and decided he liked it and wanted to pursue me. He never grasped that not all information needs to be given on the initial meeting/conversation... whatever. It's natural to protect yourself from others, people can be so evil and do the unthinkable with private information they're given, whether they need a reason to or not. This is coming from me, someone who doesn't really suffer from trust issues - it's simply the truth.  

I guess in his defense, being lied to so much by exes and family, causes you to forcibly extract personal information with a charm and reassuring speech that works to your advantage. 

If none of that made sense to you, I'm saying he manipulated me. 

But he did it in such a way, it's still months later since we broke up and I'm still reeling from what happened. I desperately need whoever is reading this to understand I am not a victim and have never subscribed to that way of thinking - never will either. I'm the total opposite and blame myself more often than not. However, would I be doing myself an injustice by not admitting when I was wronged? Absolutely. 

You have to understand, or try to understand that the way manipulation works by any given individual is that you don't really realize that's what you're experiencing until after, sometimes even well after it has happened. Another transparent moment here that I may regret but at this point it needs to be said. It has taken me years and years to realize how manipulative my mum and grandma are. I love them to pieces and would take several bullets for either one but their tactics are disgusting. I'll save the rest of the details on that for a later post but the point is, they are two of the most closest and important people in my life and I still didn't completely comprehend what they were doing. So with the last few months I've been able to truly think about everything that happened in depth and figure out what the hell I just spent one year doing. Honestly it's so bitter sweet and such a necessary cheat code to life. 

When someone not only threatens to kill them self but actually attempts to do so while on the phone with you - that kind of despair hits differently. 

Having your privacy invaded and day in day out being accused of something you have no intention of doing (cheating) -  that kind of hopelessness hits differently. 

Consistently having your character challenged by someone who doesn't know you and doesn't care enough to - that kind of frustration hits differently. 

These are just some of the things that drove me to a horrible horrible place in the latter part of 2018. I was extremely suicidal at one point, suffered my first panic attack all while going through the transition of losing my job, a horrific home life due to my ex landlord and roommates and dealing with all this while being in a whole different country thousands of miles away and a whole time zone away from my support system. I don't think a word has been invented to describe or summarize what all that was or where my mind state was. All I know was that I was drained in every way possible.

I remember there was a short period where I would do my make-up kind of bad on purpose and wear unflattering clothes just so I wouldn't get attention from other guys (if you know me I pride myself on being well put together at all times). My ex would make me give him a break down of what I was wearing or take pictures of my outfit so he could check if I was lying or not. 

Some may say why deal with all that? why stay? etc. and I think it's more to do with me becoming so easily attached to similar vibrations. So when I connect with someone on a level that transcends anything frivolous, it's quite difficult for me to disassociate from that. I honestly can't explain the hold I let this guy have on me but it turned me into a bit of a pessimist. I felt insecure with my life and as if I didn't deserve better with a lot of things. No matter how much he tried to be positive or tell me uplifting affirmations it was as if his words were laced with a thin veil of negativity, sadness and depression. As if he didn't fully believe what he was saying. I just got that energy from him more often than not. 

I don't have a speech or words of wisdom for anyone reading this, it was simply to get a lot of this pent up frustration and lessons learned off my chest. I love myself even more for enduring that and not turning out to be bitter or allow the experience to ruin me. I have an even stronger bond with God now as well because of it, because let's face it, I wouldn't have overcome any of that by myself. I dread to think what the outcome would have been without my faith and the strength and tools God has equipped me with. I don't believe I'm mentally weak or anything however, during that time and all I was going through, it was probably a lot easier to break me down and convince me of straight up fallacies and untruths.  

Not to be that person But being more self aware now, I'm noticing just how extremely sensitive I am to energies, vibrations, auras etc. Somehow, most if not all the people I've met since the end of my relationship with my ex have inspired and stimulated me in some way. These are still strangers in a lot of ways but to be around people who are so willing to go above the regular threshold of what you'd do for someone you're just getting to know, is something I haven't seen in a while and a reflection of who I am at my core. Being around people so warm, upbeat, result driven, self aware, giving and enjoy my company genuinely amongst so many other things, has been a Godsend. 

For me personally, it's easy to sit here and say I'm far from perfect and take responsibility for my flaws and accept assumed guilt blah blah blah, so I won't. I'm going to try something new.

I want to end this instead, by saying that people are good to me because I have a good heart. I make it a point every day to ask God to use me to be a benefit and blessing to others and so anyone -exes and all who are threatened by that and are trying to recruit me for their misery army, God bless you, it won't work on me ever again.

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August 7th 2019, 


Throwback to another favourite remix of mine! Raekwon and Kanye remixing a baby Justin Beiber track?! This is treasure. Also, I don't know if people realize this was released during the G.O.O.D Music Friday series and we all know every song/remix that came out of that era was monumental.  

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August 2nd 2019,

Drake - Care Package

Here’s the thing, I’ve been really disappointed with the recent album releases so when I heard Drake was putting a bunch of unreleased songs on one project, I was instantly excited and intrigued. Drake circa 2010-11 was my favourite Drizzy era. The icing on the cake was Take Care being released towards the end of 2011. 
This could arguably be an album all on it’s own although it’s filled with different reincarnations of Drizzy, the all around cohesiveness is clearly lacking - I mean, I’m sorry but you can’t have ‘I Get Lonely’ and ‘Jodeci Freestyle’ on one project and expect people to believe you! Lol. 

Not going to sit here and act like I’ve heard all these songs, because I definitely just discovered ‘Heat Of The Moment’ and ‘Days In The East’ and I’m wondering how I missed these. Then of course I already knew Club Paradise and Free Spirit would be on there. Although both classics in their own right, you can see why they were left off Take Care or any subsequent releases. 

A song that I randomly ended up loving however is ‘4PM in Calabasas’ I don’t know if it’s the Diddy/Bad Boy references or digs but you got to love the bravado and the shade of it all. Like, do people even know this song exists?! The beat and the delivery -everything about it is fire.

My favourite tracks: Dreams Money Can Buy, The Motion, How Bout Now, Days in The East, 4PM in Calabasas, Jodeci Freestyle, Club Paradise, Free Spirit, Heat of The Moment, Paris Morton Music, Can I.

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July 11th 2019,

It really breaks my heart seeing talented people fighting for visibility amongst a fog of nonsensical mediocrity. 
I've always had a heart for wanting to help creatives, especially musicians. I'm not the most well versed in the practical side of making music but I 'd like to think I have an ear or at least an  understanding of sound that is a little more advanced than the average person. Sometimes,  I just don't know where to start, I get so overwhelmed. You guys deserve so much I'm scared I'm not capable. For the longest time, while looking for jobs in the music industry and during my time freelancing, my whole thing was to connect people and help get their music out there. That's what I always wanted to do as a music publicist - well maybe not a traditional publicist - see, I like to get involved  in every aspect of a project.
As well as the fact I only ever want to work with those I believe in and can comfortably advocate for. I need to find that passion and boldness again. 

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July 6th 2019,


 








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July 6th 2019, 

July has been so good to me so far! Started some new routines and I'm already seeing results. I'll talk about those in another post because seriously, I'm so exhausted from this week. 
It's been interesting and fun and carefree.
Met some interesting characters in the last few days as well as discovered some awesome new places that have left my mind stimulated (trying to stop using the word inspired okay). 
Something that stuck out to me this week was a conversation I had with someone and they basically said they could tell that I'm not from the US because when I walked into the room I was so fascinated with eveything. Lmao. That really is me in a nutshell. I love finding the beauty in everything and yes, pretty much anything new fascinates me. I appreciate that about myself and I promise you that will never change. 
πŸ’ž 

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July 1st 2019, 

I love that God created me as somewhat of a free spirit. I absolutely detest conforming or limitations of any kind being placed on me. I love that I am able to embrace that each and every day and that I am truly the only one who can place any type of limit on myself and my dreams and ambitions and wants etc. I'm also quite disciplined so the two traits tend to clash at times but I'm starting to find the balance, the older I get. More importantly, I'm blessed that currently, the people closest to me, nurture that and don't judge me or try to alter that about me.

Unapologetically me all summer 2k19 and beyond.

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June 30th 2019, 

 

10 things I've been loving this Summer πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜ (so far)

1. Fenty Beauty Body Lava Body Luminizer in Trophy Wife & Brown Sugar
2. My skin!!! & new skin care routine
3. Sol De Janeiro's Glowmotions in Samba Sway
4. White air force 1s paired with any outfit
5. Spotify's Alte Cruise playlist
6. Nicka K New York Lip Gel w/ Rosehip
7. Extra long eyelashes
8. Salads - I'm sooooo not a salad person but it just feels right during summer
9. Green tea konjac sponge - game changer! (I get mine from RiteAid)
10. All gold everything - including hair!

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I've been having a bit of a creative block lately and anytime I'm going through it, it literally effects everything I think about and try to do, even deciding on an outfit to wear to work can sometimes be more of a challenge than necessary. There's also been more of an unbalance around me than I'm used to and some tension with those close to me -which usually inspires me to conceive an idea or finish something I've already started. But this time,  I don't know it's like there is a literal barrier between myself and my work no matter what it is I'm trying to accomplish. 
Hopefully July will be more productive, in terms of me successfully being able to get over any blocks or barriers and get my opinions and ideas across on here.
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One of my favorites from the 'Lost' EP and you already know I'm a sucker for NYC aesthetics.

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June 10th 2019,


 


Ignore the facial expressions/poses, let's just appreciate this outfit thanks πŸ˜˜

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June 6th 2019, 

I remember when my ex bf told me he loved me unconditionally πŸ™„

I tried to explain to him that it was impossible and that it was one thing to throw around the word love but quite another to claim to love someone unconditionally. He clearly didn’t understand the magnitude of the word and his later actions would go on to prove the depth of his misunderstanding. There are way too many conditions when you’re in a boyfriend/girlfriend romantic relationship as most of us would know i.e. cheating, stealing, dishonesty etc. to make this such an invalid sentiment.
I think even in marriage its a bold statement to make. However, you would hope and pray the person you make that commitment with loves you at least close enough to unconditionally to want to work through any conditions that could potentially damage the marriage vows. Personally, I think unconditional love should be left to God (Agape) and the love we should exhibit towards our children and even siblings.

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 NY lights, BK nights πŸ˜œ
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Throwback Thursday to one of my favourite remixes ever!... and that time Jay-Z dissed R.Kelly after all the shenanigans during their second joint album 'Unfinished Business'... and I ooop! 


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May 31st 2019, 

Santi - Mandy & The Jungle 

I've been listening to 'Freaky' non-stop for a good few months now and honestly that track and his futures on Juls' projects and songs sold me so I took my time listening to and reviewing this one.  Mainly because I wanted to love it so much, I made sure I listened to it a good amount so I was giving an honest review -and not just the review I wanted to give

I am so in love with this project and the fact that it’s consistent with his sound and yet still so many experimental elements thrown in, from ‘Maria’ a collab with Goldlink that sounds more true to Goldlink's signature fast-paced, uptempo style. Also, the undeniable trap influence on ‘Demon Hearts’ with DRAM and throughout the project, to the track ‘Diamonds’ which reminds me of something that could have been on Travis Scott’s Astroworld. 
I've been listening to 'Freaky' non-stop for a good few months now and honestly that track and his futures on Juls' projects and songs sold me on this guy.

He’s just signed to LVRN (Love Renaissance) based in Atlanta and home to ATL’s finest, 6LACK and Summer Walker as well as collaborator DRAM, amongst others which is perhaps indicative of how big this progressive alte cruise sound/movement is about to be.

My favourite tracks: Demon Hearts, Monte Claire, Sparky, RX-64 (The Jungle), DSM, Freaky, Morocco, Rapid Fire, Raw Dinner, Maria.

I’m also happy with the features from frequent collaborators such as Tomi Agape, Nonso Amadi, Tay Iwar and Amaarae – all of who are also pushing this new afro movement to the forefront. 


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May 28th 2019, 



And I used to hate how I look... 

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May 20th 2019, 



In case you're still not ready for summer, just press play.

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May 14th 2019,


Please appreciate the beauty of everything about this video.

___





May 10th 2019, 

Ari Lennox - Broke

I love Ari's voice over this beat so much!!! I definitely appreciate her more soulful, traditional R&B sounding tracks but this was such a stand out track for me, like a different genre completely. Then again, she's always been really diverse and experimental, since PHO and didn't disappoint on Shea Butter Baby either. Even with the lyrical content. The verse from J.I.D was the cherry on top and clearly this song was made for them - it just works seamlessly! 

Loveeee this album as well, Ms Ari killed it!

And shout out to shea butter, I love that stuff!!!!!


___




May 1st 2019,

Okay, let's talk about it... self sabotage...

According to Psychology Today, it's when behavior "creates problems in our life and interferes with long standing goals" and some of these behaviors are; "procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating and forms of self-injury such as cutting"

I want to address something else that is closely linked with self-sabotage but may be overlooked sometimes... 

TRAUMA
noun; 1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

For me, there are are two types of trauma - trauma because of things that have happened to you (where you were the victim) e.g. physical/verbal/mental abuse and trauma because of things that you have allowed to happen to you or that you were responsible for, e.g. procrastinating 

While I can confidently say there's a somewhat equal balance of these two types of traumas in my life, I do question very often how many things I've been the root cause of. Regardless of what has been done to me, I am responsible for where I am in life currently -which is a daunting thought to begin with. Stirred in with the realization of how long I've been doing this to myself, well, that's what has led to my depression for the better part of the last two or three years. 

It's a cycle.

I realize what has happened, it makes me feel sorry for myself/being hard on myself and that opens the door to feeling worthless which then leaves the door wide open to self-sabotage.  

This post isn't all negative though. I think it's healthy to talk about plus it's very therapeutic. 

My priorities have been all over the place, not dealing with past hurt/experiences, not confronting things/people/situations head on, unanswered questions, procrastination, hiding my truth amongst so much more has brought me to this point, honestly. 

I love the tone of this article I read, it's very frank and bluntly honest. It's not hard to invest in yourself and do better for yourself, especially once you've realized you've been practicing self harming behavior. But it's this weird thing we tend to do as humans -retreat to our old ways or what feels comfortable, even when it's to our own detriment. 


Honesty, my biggest fear ever in life (which I don't think I've ever said out loud to anyone) is just being a pretty face with nothing else to offer. I know I'm an amazing writer and story-teller with so many other skills to fall back on. HOWEVER, because of that pressure and having this eternal belief that most people are shallow (bad I know but it's been my experience for the longest time) and just see the exterior and will never believe that I'm good at all the things I know I'm good at, I internalize that. It's made me extremely self-critical like you have no idea! Even setting up this blog site and sharing it with people I know and strangers is such a task for me because I want it to be perfect so badly.

I kind of feel like it's a defense mechanism also, due to a lot of things that went on in my childhood and for a very long time not being comfortable in my body. It was like a diversion - Oh, I may not be attractive but I'm a good writer, I can dress well, I'm nice etc 

It's crazy right? I want people to see what I am capable of so much so that I become so self critical and end up not wanting to show anyone anything. 

It kind of makes sense if you think about it long enough but it's never okay. It's a daily thing I've been doing and have to keep doing. Perfecting my crafts and telling myself I'm doing a great job but it's perfectly fine to make mistakes and showcase them and not be hard on myself.



I guess there is an upside to being so self-critical, you do eventually come to a realization then acceptance that something needs to change asap. And this is where I'm at currently. So bear with me please while I love myself a little more and for real this time!

___





April 29th 2019,


When you take grandma out for the night to shake a leg...


___






Odunsi (The Engine) - .rare

Can we talk about this cover art for one second? 

I don't know why I love it so much. Maybe it's the high fashion tea I'm getting from it, looking like an editorial from Nigerian Vogue or something! Come through Nigerian Vogue!

So I'm a bit late with this one (it came out end of 2018) and it really feels like the sound I didn't know I needed in my life. It's so many things in one and I'm always going to appreciate when someone can do that and still make it all make sense. rare. has every kind of sound, instrumentation, influence and crossing of genes that is euphonius to me. It's this type of blending of sounds that makes me want to take producing seriously... and finally go to Lagos!

My favourite tracks: wanted you, angel, take a break, express, star signs, green light, dance floor, Alte Cruise - once again, really here for every song on this. Suprsingly I wasn't crazy about divine featuring  Davido, I think I'm kind of Davido'd out!

I liked all the other features and the strong UK influence throughout, which is very prominent now because of the large Nigerian presence in the UK. As well as the fact Afrobeats/fusion taking off over there before any other country outside of the African continent.


___




April 24th 2019,


Devin Morrison - Bussin'

This is soooooo smooth!
Drippin' with those seductive bass guitar riffs, 90s drum patterns, synths and harmonies! Can't forget the classic rain sound effects as the backdrop. There is literally no trace of 2019 here -and that's my favourite thing about this album. I'd love to know who the producers are. 


My favourite tracks: It's Time, With You, Guaranteed, The Call, Birthday, Bussin', Fairytale and Love Yourself - so yeah, basically the whole thing! 

The song that stands out to me the most is Fairytale it's like a soulful, soothing, velvety ode to Jesus and I am all the way here for it, should this become the new sound of Gospel! 

___



April 23rd 2019,

So I finally had FRIED OKRA yesterday for the first time... there's no going back...
πŸ˜πŸ˜‹
___





April 9th 2019,

Tay Iwar - Gemini

LOOOOVVVEEE THIS ALBUM!!! 
He gives me James Fauntleroy vibes (if only that guy would put out an album already!) but you can hear the diverse influence in the music and homage to Africa, Nigeria specifically.




My favourites are UTERO, DIAMONDS, SPACE and SUGARDADDY. But I really do appreciate this as a whole body of work. 
It's so refreshing!

___





April 4th 2019,

I'm probably going to do a more detailed video on this in the future but I think it's so important to spread the knowledge of healthy and organic products when we're talking feminine care/hygiene products. 

For years, like many women who didn't know better, I've been using brands like Always, Kotex, Bodyform etc and had no idea the types of processes these products go through when being made as well as the materials used to create them. I just never bothered to check or do my research, I think part of me assumed that these big brands had women's best interest at heart, in terms of our health but boy was I wrong. Some of the chemicals used in pads and tampon are setting us up for all kinds of disorders, imbalances and even cancer! 

Ladies, we have to take this seriously.

When you take into account the bleach used in cotton for tampons and pads (dioxins) as well as the fact that the mucus membranes in our vaginas easily absorb pretty much anything which will ultimately enter the bloodstream, it's really alarming that not much is being said about these dangers! I mean, are they even teaching this in schools?! They definitely weren't when I was in school and I went to an all girls school. Shameful.

This Q&A with Dr. Maggie New definitely goes into much more detail about all of this. But I believe in sharing knowledge whenever I can. 

Although our tendency is to walk into a store and go for the brands we know and are accustomed to straight away, when it comes to health, particularly feminine health I think now more than ever we should be reading ingredients, researching terms we don't know and their potential health risks.

All of this was inspired by wanting to make more of a cognitive effort to ensure that I am enlightened (almost to the point of being hyperaware) in my consumptions, intake and energy -especially as I ascend to my thirties.

I was at Walmart recently looking for pads and spent about 5-7 minutes going through the shelves and only seeing those same brands I mentioned before, somewhat losing hope in finding something new and then suddenly, I look up in the left hand corner and spot this...

I had never heard of this brand before but after reading the back of the box I was really intrigued and it definitely helps that they use ORGANIC cotton and that they are same price (maybe even cheaper in some cases) as some of the leading brands. So, no excuses, girl!

Check out more health conscious brands below, and a lot of them have great initiatives that support other women around the world, as well as the environment:


More brands here: Cosmopolitan

Check out this article on how feminine care/hygiene brands are changing the game: How New Affordable Feminine Care Brands Are Revolutionizing the Industry

We owe it to ourselves and our futures to live better and educate our young girls about how to do so as well.

___






March 26th 2019,


“It’s not enough to love myself only when I'm doing well, it needs to be daily, irrespective of flaws, unapologetically, no matter what” 

It’s kind of crazy how some of us are really out here thinking we’re living our positive lives and we’re confident and have little to no insecurities.... when it’s so obvious that we are negative (and maybe even crave negativity), we do lack confidence and are definitely insecure, just by the situations we put ourselves in or the people we surround ourselves with. 
Sis, if you’re so about self-love and self care and positive vibes only, why are you still reaching out to toxic people who have only been there to steal, kill and destroy your dreams? (yeah, I just paraphrased John 10:10 but it’s true!)

How we feel about ourselves is always exhibited in our actions - point, blank, periodt.

We make better decisions, we let go of anything counterproductive to our mobility, we love others more, we make no time nor space for bs or anything of the like when we love ourselves unapologetically. 

I don’t know about you all but that’s really my goal for the rest of the year, I want to love myself so much that I only manifest and also purposely put myself in situations to uplift my character and progress. 

Tired of the self sabotage and practicing low self esteem.

___




March 19th 2019,
-Mereba - Black Truck  

This whole song, but particularly this verse speaks to me on such a spiritual level. It's kind of scary. I really do make things harder for myself and practice a lot of self sabotage . I'm so used to doing so it's mostly non cognitive at this point. 
Acceptance is the first step right?

___






Hurting in a way I've never experienced before.

Emotional abuse is emotional abuse. You can't sugar coat that.
There are no nice ways of "putting it" it’s manipulation, it’s control,
It’s erratic, it’s lie after lie and it’s making you feel sorry for them.
When they are not worthy of that level of sympathy you give everyone but yourself.
It’s no sympathy for you, when you’re going through it, all blame.
It’s breaking you down to your core, it’s causing you physical and mental health problems
Because you love hard and they are human leeches.
It’s causing you to black out and experience having a panic attack for the first time, in the middle of an argument.
It’s the never ending, obsessive compulsive hold on the past so conflict resolution never happens, just more arguments, no progression.
It’s one rule for you and another for them (a more lenient, non aggressive one) with unrealistic
expectations and absolutely no room for mistakes at all.
It’s their way or the highway
It’s being left empty and drained after every heated conversation.
It’s them removing all your layers over time until you’re scared (& rightfully so)
And vulnerable to the point you are officially emotionally unstable.
It’s extracting as much private information from you as possible, just so they can use it against you when the chips are down... or any opportunity, really.
It’s mental bullying you when you are going through trauma and constantly belittling you
It’s putting you down because you are secure in your physical appearance and who you are
and they are not. So they accuse you of unthinkable things with baseless, so-called evidence.
It’s all emotional abuse and it’s all abuse.
It’s been my life for the last 9 months.
It’s no longer a part of my present.

I am done (it’s a wrap).


____


We loved each other so much, we hated each other.
And that’s that.
The end.

——




March 7th 2019,


3 Random Facts ;

1. I am obsessed with true crime YouTube channels/documentaries! Anything related to crime, mysteries, cults, serial killers etc I've probably watched it or know about it. I'm so intrigued by the mindset of people who brazenly commit crimes particularly murder, like, what did you go through to get to that point?! I wanna know! 

2. The real reason it takes me forever to complete things is because I'm a perfectionist! Soooooooo self critical it's like an obsession. I'm forever editing things even once they've been posted or published. I'm working on it though!

3. I love learning! - Reading, researching, practicing, watching. I'm one of those people that wants to master as many things as possible. 

___




March 7th 2019,



It's a beautiful thing when the audio and visuals marry each other in perfect harmony!



___



Feb 26th 2019,


 
All this new music is making me want to make a playlist...


____






Feb 25th 2019,


It's a good day for new music!


These two are my new favorite duo! 
Please go listen to their other songs together. You'll thank me!
Shout out to my boyfriend who put me on  
😘




I don't know what it is about Atu and Dpat's production and Brent's voice but it just fits perfectly. EVERYTIME! Seriously, name a better trio right now...



___




Dec 23rd 2018,


Current inspiration πŸ˜πŸ’‘:





 


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Nov 15th 2018,






Need to get back to painting...

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Nov 1st 2018,

Grateful for life; thanking God for life!





                                                                                                      
I nearly let go of everything on my birthday. 
I nearly threw in the towel and gave up on God, myself and 
everything I love.

But my loved ones quickly reminded me that no, they were not going to allow defeat to happen or be a thought in my mind. They spoke life into me and saw better for me, more than I did.
So I made a decision. 
To smile
Practice gratitude 
And to HOLD ON.

And then this moment above happened yesterday. 

MORE:
Spending more time with God
Avoiding toxicity
Working on my inner joy
Practicing the law of attraction
Focusing on gratitude

___ 





Oct 24th 2018,


😀
NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!!!

___





Oct 11th 2018, 
πŸ†
To all the ladies out there, in their late twenties feeling lost, hopeless or confused... complete emotional wrecks, I'm with you sis.

Don't let anyone tell you how or when you're supposed to have it all together... or that you're useless and a failure for not. 

Cry as much as you want and need to and when you're done, cry some more. Get it out of your system completely. Take a momentary break from what's going on at the minute and BREATHE deeply.

You WILL get it together, you're already doing an amazing job, take a minute to acknowledge that also. 

Entertaining negative, harmful thoughts will just take you down a rabbit hole of despair and more negativity. And we're not giving into that sis, we're just not! There are things to be CREATED, EXPLORED, DISCOVERED, SEEN, TAUGHT, WRITTEN, EATEN, WORN, LEARNED and so much more!!

Don't let anyone else try to define who you are and what you can do. Do what you're good at and continue doing so. It's only a matter of time before things come together for you because this world doesn't operate by other people's actions and standards. There are far more higher beings who are in control of what goes on, whether you believe in God, Buddha or the Universe. Your being, vibrations, energy are all synced to something far greater than this earth.

Get in alignment, sis. 
And when you feel out of whack, come back for more words of encouragement.

- Love you, girl 

___




Sept 28th 2018,


πŸ™ƒ
Had a really real talk with one of my best friends today. About life and these situations we find ourselves in when we "resist" what we know we're supposed to be doing - career wise, relationship-wise, life-wise. It's very rare to come across people who are motivated to complete what they set out to do wholeheartedly and execute it down to the very last detail. Well, rare for us at least.

We both agreed that I can only thrive so long in an uncreative, draining, low energy environment for so long and maybe this shift and uncomfortability I've been feeling for the last few months is highlighting that. 
I really feel like I am shifting and changing but I'm still getting to know this "new" me and I'm still not used to her ways and how she operates, it's not all negative though. It's just growing pains, I guess. 
Things are going to change again for me in the next months and I pray to God in advance that I am assertive and decisive in the decisions I make. I'm getting to quite a desperate place with my life and current living, career and financial situations and I need to be very thorough in what I do next.