MUSINGS

October 16th 2020,

Ladies, there is nothing in this life comparable to a man who loves you. I’m talking about a rare love that is void of lust or infatuation but just as intense. A man who caresses your soul with his words and touch simultaneously puts you first and includes you in all his endeavours. Trying so hard not to make this sound like poetry lmao but this man makes me want to take my writing there!

It feels oh so good to finally be with someone who protects me, respects me, spoils me, inspires me, encourages me, wants me around all the time, secure, mature, supports me… should I continue? Because I definitely can šŸ˜

I’ve been feeling this way consistently for a few months now but just didn’t know how to articulate it as well as being so protective of this person because of how important and special he is to me. Our story is an interesting one I want to open up about but all in good time. 

With him, I know everything will work out divinely. I’ve already been winning at life in so many ways and he’s been there for most of the ride. Blessings after blessings this year only by God’s grace and transforming into the woman I was destined to be, with a man who compliments me handsomely.

When your soul is pure, negativity doesn’t hang around too long. You also don’t have time to dwell on the past and time spent in the wilderness. You’re too busy basking in the glory of being one of God’s favourites for as long as you can (they hate to see it tho) - And that’s really where I’m at now in life. Literally have no time to entertain anything or anyone anti-growth. 

Especially not a vile, pathetic ex who signs off their email with a colour, instead of their name… ??? …this is why you have to choose God everyday folks, this could be you! Bitter and deluded. 

Let me stop lol šŸ™ƒ

I got a lot to share and talk about, I promise I’ll BRB.

Stay blessed šŸ’ž

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August 23rd 2020,

For the last two months I've created playlist after playlist, drafted post after post, reconnected with so many people, fallen in love all over again, secured a new, permanent job and experienced innumerable emotions with more personal and professional situations. Also had a think piece on Moesha since it's now on Netflix, but that's neither here nor there. None of those things have brought me back to blogging until this week, after text conversations with some of my younger cousins.   


I've always had it in the back of my mind that I would love to be for younger girls, family or not, what I didn't have growing up, extremely insecure.


I have a heart for kids, especially girls and fortunately, God blessed me with a looooooooooooottt of younger, female cousins and of course I don't expect to make a difference in all their lives but if I could help a few of them to navigate this crazy world, I honestly think I'd be fulfilling one of my callings. You know, my early teenage years were hard and miserable and I felt sorry for myself from at least 12-15 and if you had told me this is the way my life would pan out years later, I definitely would have been reluctant to believe. And that's all I really try to preach to them. Life is what you make it. As cliche as it is, it's the truth. There's a lot injustices and negativity in this world, yes but are you going to focus on that or try and make a better life for you and yours? 


The various convos with my younger cousins reminded me so vividly of how far I have come. They have no idea how quickly things can change and that what is now won't always be, they're stuck in the now and while there's beauty in embracing the moment, we should always be preparing for the future. I was the same way. Wanting my "ugliness" to go away, wanting to have my own space, wanting to be able to buy myself nice things, wanting my family to be back together. 


I forget how much of a rush I was in to get out of that awkward teenage phase as well as growing up lacking so many things in my home life. Not knowing or realising that in just a few years, that this chapter of my life would be distant memory (physically not necessarily mentally). 


 With 2020 being a complete right off for some and how drastically everyday life as we know it has been altered for all, I think we really need to make a concerted and conscious effort to practice gratitude more often and take more time to stop and realise how blessed we are to be alive. 


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June 18th 2020,

Part III

This is definitely going to be an on going thread on my blog from now on because of the rate in which I'm learning new things everyday in regards to black women and the violence we are constantly subjected to. And not just police violence. I'm frustrated at myself for still not being able to fully capture the dire situation that is so unique to black women. 

I'm really shaken up and deeply disturbed by Toyin Salau's story. It's such a somber realization that we can mobilize, protest and literally put our lives on the front line, but unfortunately always to our detriment. I can't confidently say there is any other race that treats our women the way we do, despises them the way we do and undervalues them the way we do. And I say we because let's keep it all the way real, some black women are just as bad as black men in propelling this bs. Gas lighting  and the "pick-me" philosophy just catapult this negative attitude and behaviour towards black women and girls who are continuously abused and killed at the hands of black men. 

I think I'm at the point where, I've somewhat given up on the idea that black men, as a whole, will get it together, protect and unapologetically stand up for us. Sorry not sorry. There are just too many dysfunctional, opposing and flat out disgusting doctrines that have been deeply ingrained in them for generations for a logical solution to be reached during my lifetime. I'm more focused now on speaking up for and defending women, children and the men in my life currently who I care about at this point. 

Of course my heart always breaks for the murder of any black person, I just won't be making it my personal mission to be front and center advocating justice for anyone who wouldn't do the same for me or any woman or girl in my life.

This is huge for me to say this because as a Christian, I want us all to be loved and protected and all that good stuff but I can't ignore what's clear as day. All black lives matter but there's a huge discrepancy when it comes to black females and those who identify as such. Toyin deserved better. Black girls deserve better. Black women deserve better. That's really the part that has exhausted me the most these last few weeks. It's really not rocket science and I can't sugar coat the shit anymore. 

I think it goes without saying that I don't hate black men as a whole, despite being hurt and and let down by them more times than I can count. I am very mature in my thinking and won't despise a whole group based on a flawed handful. I'm just choosing to love and support them from a distance while amplifying a group even more marginalized than them.

We have a lot of work to undo as black people, unfortunately it's going to take longer to undo than it was establishing all the dysfunction but the beautiful thing about the journey is that each generation is making more strives than the last. No matter how big or small.


Not really related to this specific post's sentiment, but always relevant:



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June 11th 2020,


Some of my current favourite black-owned brands, products and companies!




1. Kionii - This UK-owned company specialise in African and Caribbean inspired jewelry and accessories. I just received these so haven't had a chance to wear them out yet, but how pretty are these? 


2. Camille Rose - The Body Collection - I've mentioned these products before and I'm still obsessed! I put my sister on and she kindly ordered me more of the lotion.

3. Fenty Beauty - Need I say more? I had to re-up on the foundation and thought I'd try out the hyped about Full-Bodied Foundation Brush 110. Nervous to try it out because I'm so used to using the beauty blender to apply my foundation (I haven't used a brush since my MAC NW45 days... and that was almost a decade ago!)



4. Anita Grant - Another UK-based brand, specializing in organic hair, skin and beauty products. My sister put me on and I'm super impressed with everything I've sampled from her including this Monoi oil! It's light but smells heavenly and is a perfect, moisturising addition to any body lotion mixture (if you're anything like me, I love mixing my lotions, creams and oils into one concoction). I especially love her 'Refresh' rhassoul clay mask (which I ran out of today) and because it's made of natural but effective ingredients, you can add other ingredients to it to super charge results. There are sooo many products from her I'm dying to try, especially from her haircare range.

5. Polymer Studios - I'll be honest, I haven't had the best experience with them in terms of communication but their designs are eye-catching with empowering messages and meaningful quotes. Especially from the 'Black History' collection. I ordered a t-shirt from there over a month ago, it's yet to arrive but I know it will be worth the wait. I'm just happy to be supporting an emerging black-owned brand that stands for something I stand for; empowering black people.  

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Part II

Following on from my last post, I've been reading and researching and listening and what I failed to mention is how dangerous it is when we don't add the female victims to the conversation of police brutality and getting justice for the victims. I think it sends a dangerous message overall, but especially to the younger generation, that women and girls are less likely to be brutally murdered in this same way. Which we now know, with lot's of evidence to boot, is simply not true. Our murders and injustices just continue to go unreported and unmentioned which is detrimental to our livelihood. Our women deserve to be educated on civilian rights and be protected as much as anyone else. It's important that we report accurately on what's really going on to see any significant changes and justice for the mothers, wives, daughters, sisters etc who have and will tragically fall victim to the failures of "justice" systems all over the world. I've seen much more inclusion and sharing of these women's stories online and offline since my last post, resulting in more investigations and the passing of new laws and policies, which is obviously amazing news, but more can and needs to be done. Settling for crumbs is not an option, we want justice for all black people, including black women and girls.






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June 1st 2020,

Part I



I think about little Zianna and her speech and strength often.

If you've spent enough time on here, you'd notice that I tend to avoid commentary on current affairs and all the craziness going on in the world, and for good reason (math stuff, nuff said). I'm very over protective of my personal space aka this site and the content I post. Basically, this is my little space to vent, create and vent some more about things pertaining to me - and that's actually to get away from taking in everything going on outside of my immediate vicinity. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously. However, there is something else that is very wrong and disturbing and disappointing to me that I can no longer be silent about. 

It occurs every time we hear any of these devastating stories of these despicable law enforcers and these vile racists who are consumed with so much unwarranted fear, anger and hate. I'm talking about the female victims of police brutality and how they're rarely ever the focal point of all the anger and protesting. There have been too many Breonna Taylors, Sandra Blands and worse, Aiyana Joneses but their lives, stories and deaths get pushed to the background EVERY SINGLE TIME. And unless you're simple minded, you know I'm not trying to make it a competition against black male and female deaths or anything like that. I just want people to be aware that there is a disproportionate amount of detail and care that goes into highlighting the deaths and tragic stories of black females compared to black males. Whether we're talking about police brutality or murder or trafficking- it's the same thing all across the board. And this is in and outside of America.

Today I just found out about the awful story of 16-year-old Tina Ezekwe in Nigeria. She was mistakenly shot and killed by a police officer there less than a week ago. She was an innocent child who died at the hands of a trigger happy police man. This is the story that inspired this post to be quite honest with you because why aren't we talking about what happened to her? Does her life not matter enough?

Listen, I'm every bit involved in Black Lives Matter and absolutely here for standing up for any racial  injustice against my people -male or female but a whole lot of people with my same stance are hypocrites. Keep the exact same energy for the countless women and girls who have lost their lives in the same tragic way George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Mike Brown and so many others have.

Sorry if this is incoherent, but like most of the world right now I'm heart-broken, emotionally exhausted and outraged for an array of reasons. I just want people to give a damn about black women and girls and acknowledge by their actions that this shit really happens to us too. I want to see more done in every sense, relating to getting justice for all. Just don't forget about our sisters, mothers, daughters in the process. This is why #SayHerName is so important. Knowing their names and acknowledging what happened to them helps us to remember their story and include them each and every time we're working on eradicating injustice. 

If you can't protest, donate, if you can't donate, spread the word. Just do something.

Also, It's okay if you don't know about each and every story as they happen, but don't remain in your ignorance - educate yourself and stand for something. 

Most importantly, protect yourself mentally and emotionally. It's not healthy to fully immerse yourself in these depressing stories 24/7. We need the mental strength and sound minds to work together to fight for justice after all. 

Some important links, ways to help and more details:









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May 26th 2020, 

Despite the last post, I've been in such a great mental and physical space. I've been staying consistent with my goals I made at the top of the year, particularly with eating healthy, saving, establishing a work out routine and self care. I've been complaining to friends that I should be on somebody's beach in Dubai by now, sipping on something sweet and tasty but honestly, I'm so grateful for this quarantine/lock down period and how fruitful it's been. As the lock down eases up and things start to  get back to some kind of familiarity, my goal is to remain as focused and motivated as I've been in my personal life and use that same fuel to do more with this website. I just need to stop getting in my own way and kill the overthinking.



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May 6th 2020,


It's 20 minutes to 1 in the morning and another night replaying out all the craziness that went on in my last relationship *sigh*.  Once again, I thought I was getting over it day by day - there also hasn't been a day where one of the more traumatic moments of that relationship hasn't crossed my conscious. I know that if I wasn't who I was and built on a strong foundation of faith, I would probably never get over this and end up being one of those people who never truly loves again. God forbid. I'm loved and I love love so that could never be me but I'd be lying if I said I haven't had moments when I felt like I didn't have it in me to love someone wholeheartedly. The way I always have in any relationship I've been in. I loved this guy and I gave him my all despite what he thought. I did everything I felt I was supposed to, even it being a long distance relationship- my first one at that.  Areas where I fell short, I listened and worked on doing better. To have that all thrown back in your face... well, the word to describe that hasn't been created yet. I'm constantly haunted by it and I really do blame myself, if I'm being honest, for ignoring the many red flags.  I actually feel bad for guys that have tried to talk to me or pursue me since because I haven't been able to give my all and have definitely ghosted a few,  I'm not proud of that. I just can't handle when someone starts to pour out their feelings or it gets too intense. It's scary to me because that's so not who I am, its such foreign behaviour . Not that prior to my last relationship I was going around freely loving every guy I came across but I definitely didn't have the same inhibitions I have now. I've always, for the most part, wore my heart on my sleeve and now I feel like I can't move like that anymore. It's becoming way too detrimental and causing too much heartache -and I'm not even just talking about myself.

I think some of the re-visiting and replaying certain parts of the relationship also comes from the fact that I was banking so much on this relationship. I think we both were. I saw a future with this person at one point. Something I hadn't experienced in a while in prior relationships and dating. He met my mum! And only after a few months of dating at that (she happened to be visiting me in the States at the time), I told everyone who would listen, about him -even my Dad and he knew how much of a big deal that was for me. On top of that, before we broke up, head had recently been offered a job in NYC which would have meant we would be a lot closer to each other. As it turned out though, none of that even mattered because there were so many issues that those factors could never fix, but believe me, we definitely tried.

And I just wasn't myself in that relationship. Having to walk on egg shells, going to sleep arguing or not sleeping because of arguing and having to be ok the next morning to go to work with all the other BS going on around me. Yeah, 2017-2018 was such a turbulent period for me. My mind state was disturbing and so dark and negative and a lot of self sabotage was going on and even worse, manifesting itself in some crazy ways. This is why I love the God I serve so much. If not for his mercy, favour and grace over my life, my life would have been over back then for sure. If not for God,  everyday I would be reliving some of the disturbing and messed up things that happened to me when I was younger (which I really need to find the strength and courage to talk about one day) and be living such a stagnant life, unable to progress , mature and most importantly, forgive. I literally owe God my life.

I've never ever left a relationship/friendship mostly reflecting on the bad times so much until now, it sucks and I know it may make the other person look bad -which is obviously not my intention. I think it's more of a reminder of how unequally yoked we were  because no one should ever feel this way about a relationship. Especially one in which they loved the person hard. You should know my style at this point, I see the good and positive in everyone and everything and while there were positives to come out of that relationship, I have to be completely honest to and with myself to heal from this properly.

And speaking of being honest, I have to admit that I did reach out to him earlier this year after no contact since the break up. I didn't get a response which I've come to realize is a good thing. It just confirmed what I already know to be true - that this person's presence in my life has well and truly expired.

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May 5th 2020,


Ok, I might have done something with this one. Definitely getting better at this! 
Cut crease is gonna be my go to -she's simple yet effective, just like me!










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April 29th 2020, 


I've been practicing eyeshadow looks because Lord knows I've mastered all other areas apart from that...still. I definitely need to invest in good quality eye brushes but for now, I think I did something. I try not to do too much because I know my capabilities and I like to stay in my lane lol.










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April 20th 2020, 



I know I always say this but seriously, I didn't mean to disappear for this long... it's just been one thing after another after another after another... and guess who was the cause? Looking at you right now COVID-19.
šŸ™„

First of all, my work hours increased because there's so much more demand from us as we work very closely with hospitals and vulnerable patients. I don't have the most exciting job that's why I don't talk about it a lot but it's crazy because I prayed and prayed and prayed for a job with a purpose where I could really make a difference, learn a lot of new skills and finally be paid a salary I deserve. I just didn't anticipate it coming in this form... and definitely didn't anticipate it coming right before a global pandemic, that's for sure!

But yeah, working from home on and off has been exhausting in addition to constantly thinking about all that's going on in the world-well the world pretty much coming to a stand still and how quickly things have deteriorated. But you know me, never the negative Nancy, I'm grateful to God that none of my people or my people's people have been affected, passed away or endured severe hardship during this time.


But honey, let me not lie... somewhere between working from home and going in to the office, your girl caught the Rona. I'm still so surprised because I really was doing the most to make sure I didn't catch it. My colleagues would make fun of me for making multiple trips to the bathroom to wash my hands and then proceed to use three different hand sanitizers (I'm serious). Evidently, you can use all the hand sanitizers you want but if you're not getting drunk on vitamin C everyday or that severely underrated garlic, lemon, ginger concoction (throw in some turmeric powder, apple cider vinegar and honey too, thank me later) then you might as well open your arms wide and be prepared to catch it.

Thankfully, I only experienced mild symptoms; slight fever that disappeared after day two, a slight cough that only lasted a day or two as well and a banging headache on day one. But the worst of my symptoms honestly was losing my taste and smell senses. I was really going through it! I could smell things that had very strong odors or were right by my nose but the taste part- not a thing. I can't explain it well but you know when you pinch your nose when you're downing something you don't like the taste/smell of? It's similar to that but without the options to taste or smell. It was weirdly depressing. You don't ever want to experience that especially if eating is an event for you! All the other symptoms disappeared in about three or four days maximum except this one which lasted about six to seven and at one point I was scared I'd never get it back. I'm aware of anosmia and hyposmia but of course until now I had no experience of what life is like for them. I think it goes without saying that I will never take advantage of those senses again!

I hope anyone reading this hasn't been affected too negatively from this global crisis. I really would encourage you to make the most of this time in doing whatever elevates you and makes you feel good. Hang on to the fact that this won't last and we're going to make it to the other side knowing so much more than we did before. We'll make wiser decisions, love on our family, friends and people in general a little bit harder and live life unapologetically, embracing the freedom that is ours.

šŸ’•


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March 26th 2020, 


Thoughts for the day;


Can we get rid of the Rona virus and keep the social distancing?


As long as I have my headphones, I'll always choose the scenic root... 




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March 24th 2020, 



Pictures from last week;














 




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10 Things I've Been Loving Recently šŸ˜šŸ˜šŸ˜:

1. Basic tops! I'm redoing my wardrobe so those are a staple right now. Different lengths, cuts, textures, colors, materials and fits but are interchangeable with my ever-changing style!

2. De-cluttering, organizing and arranging my belongings (and life)

3. Split hem trousers - hello?! they're a look with everything!

4. Soups! Ughhhh my favourite one right now is the Indian Mulligatawny one by Ainsley Harriott. Thank me later.

5. My leather jacket from Stradavarius! Again it goes with everything! Love the soft feel of the leather and the detailing on the buttons and belt buckle.

6. Oversized joggers and hoodies - I live in these when I'm not at work! The menswear section in Primark Nasty Gal has the best ones so far.

7. Camille Rose's Body Collection: Cupuacu Sweet Cream & Cane and Sugar Balm: Want to smell like cupcakes and feel as smooth as a baby's butt?! Please buy this now. The most heavenly duo! The way the balm melts into your skin while you're bathing.... let me stop, go try it for yourself.

8. SAVING!!! And this is the perfect time and reason to. Investing soon come also!

9. Savage x Fenty T-shirt bras! They are the truth, the way and the light! They help the girls sit up ever so right and give them the boost they deserve (and need!) I'm so impressed by the way they look and feel and I love the colors they come in as well.

10. Everything Che Ecru is putting out. He is hands down my favourite artist of the year so far! You already know, I stan a consistent musician who does it all!


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I don't even know how or where to start this post off...
March, what the hell?! I-
It honestly feels like 2 months have passed because of all the craziness that has happened in the last 2-3 weeks...

  • I went to this really cool networking event, organized by my girl, Liz and met so many cool people I definitely want to work with as soon as this nightmare is over!!!
  • I finally met up with one of my good friends I hadn't seen or spoke to the majority of my time in America. It turned out to be such a good time catching up with her although we both procrastinated the actual meeting and anticipated it being really awkward. I'm so so so happy we're both down to work on this friendship and find value in it and in each other despite all that has happened. More on that in another post.
  • Finally finished and caught up with You Season 2 and Love Is Blind on Netflix and I thoroughly enjoyed both. I could see myself doing something like a Love Is Blind the more I think about it, being the hopeless romantic that I am but my only gripe is that I don't believe in divorce and I'd hate to say "no" to someone at the alter or vice versa... ughh even just the thought. As for season 2 of You, I really thought I wasn't going to like it as much as the first season, one because of the location change, you know I'm (still) obsessed with NYC and I truly believe it was such a fitting backdrop for the story. Also I loved the writing and character development for all the main characters. But season 2 was a pleasant surprised, LA worked and the LA characters worked  and I will never look at storage units the same! 
  • My lil sis (cousin) came to visit from New Jersey smack bang in the middle of this madness  but luckily she got to see quite a bit of London before we were forced to stay in after a situation involving the Nigerian delicacy, Suya turned out to be the final nail in the coffin for us. RIP Suya, the evil you have done to my belleh is enough. šŸ˜«
  • Back to work yesterday after taking all of last week off and I have to say, it's kinda surreal. Just the magnitude in which things have escalated... most of my team were self-isolating last week and even this week, I'm sure less and less people will be coming into the office as they make plans for people to start working from home. Better late than never I guess. I haven't been able to yet but which I'm concerned about because I'd hate to put anyone at home at risk, but saying that, I'm also glad I can be of some help during this crazy time. I was on the phone with the daughter of one of our patients and she kept thanking me as if I was the one who was caring for her mother. I play such a tiny part in this department and organization but it's a Godsend working with people who are so positive and enthusiastic about their work and putting others first.  
Please stay safe guys! 
Even if you're feeling invincible, just know that there are many people who are not. This is real. Value each other.  

❤️


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March 1st 2020,



Last thought of the day, I really was expecting better visuals from The Box video and funnily enough I was listening to it the other day and was thinking of a treatment for it in my head. Some elements were similar to the actual video but I personally think mine would have been executed way better. Saying that, it wasn't terrible (but still a little predictable) and the song is still on heavy rotation on all my streaming apps.


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Okay I know in the previous post I was talking about therapists and needing to talk to someone but I'm still always going to practice being more self aware and try to make sense of things that have happened to me on my own. And the thought just occurred to me that I truly am the result of parents who exercised tough love on someone (me) who didn't benefit from that particular showcase of endearment. I don't blame them at all, being the first child they obviously didn't know what they were doing. It's just an interesting thing I've come to observe. 

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I mean, I knew February was short but it flew by in like a week! Seriously, it might as well be 2021 already the way, with the way the time is just escaping us! I kid, I kid. 

Happy New month! And I hope goals are being smashed and motivation is still at the forefront for anyone reading this. I'm not going to lie, on my end, a few things took a backseat in February just adjusting to my new routine and what not. 

I'm very hopeful for March though! Better weather (here's to wishing for it anyway), more stability and learning from what worked and what didn't work last month.

The last two weeks I've definitely been off on a lot of things. I've been feeling imbalanced and honestly just allowing other people to determine my emotions and reactions. I think that resulted in my period coming earlier than normal and that equally being all over the place. She came with such force this month, sis was not playing around with me this month.

Going to the gym this month has been a bit of a struggle too. I have been going but not as much as I like and not as early as I would like. It's been a struggle waking up before 8am on my days off, despite the fact when I am working, I'm up at 5:45am with no problem??
But I killed it today if I do say so, so I'm definitely setting the tone for this month. 

Unfortunately the gym was kind of the only positive so far today. Coming home and speaking to one of my friends ready to go off on him about why I haven't heard from him and the lack of effort on his part. Only to find out a friend of his passed away last week. I haven't felt as many mixed emotions like that in a very long time. 

I was furious with him and ready to cut him off pretty much but my heart sank hearing how torn up he was about the passing and how he hasn't been doing that well coping with it. Guilty that I hadn't checked up on him sooner, Sad because I was unable to tell him how I felt about how I feel he's been treating me. Also sad because of his loss and him being so hurt. I'm glad I could put my feelings to the side for a moment and give him the room to speak and pour his heart out to some extent but after the conversation was over, I wanted to cry myself. Feeling all these emotions and not knowing what to do with them or how to make sense of them. I'm still not quite there yet mentally to be able to carry my own mental and emotional load as well as someone elses ughhh especially someone I care about deeply.

It's just a reminder that I really need to stop procrastinating and either get back in touch with my previous therapist or find a new one. I definitely need someone to talk and help process and articulate some of the thoughts and trauma that I feel is stopping me from truly being greater!

Update on this coming soon because this blog is definitely going to hold be accountable whether I like it or not!

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February 12th 2020,



Is it giving?

I'm very much over this hairstyle and hair but I'm loving this Pat McGrath foundation. I'm still living off some samples I got but I think I'm ready to purchase! 

P.S. this iPhone 11 camera quality is it!

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February 7th 2020, 

I had never realized the importance of synchronicity until this year.

When I tell you I have been at the right place at the right time countless times this year, I don't think you would really believe me. Especially things like being on time to catch buses or trains, especially when I'm going to work in the mornings, I notice it the most then. I haven't been late once even when I've left home later than I was supposed to, mind you, my job is about 45 minutes from where I live. Also, just being at the right place at the right time to receive blessings and seeing angel numbers on a routine basis. The crazy part is that it's without any or little to any conscious effort. That's how I know this has to be down to divine timing. That's the only way it makes sense and just being in a more centered, aligned place mentally. It's so so so important, I can't stress it enough. 
Since I started this routine of praying, meditating, practicing gratitude and affirmations (as well as still making time for the gym as much as I can) at the same time, morning and evening every day for the last 2 months, I'm truly seeing things in a more wholesome and positive way. I guess this is what they call the third eye opening... not even going to attempt to explain that as I don't fully understand it all, but it's compelling stuff. 
I will try to do a video on this at some point, explaining what I mean in detail because I know I'm not capturing it the way I want to right now. 
All I know is that mentally and spiritually I'm in such a healthy and positive place and trust me, it's been a while.
I also have a crazy story time that happened to me today that's linked to this, that I really want to share just need to find time to record it.

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January 26th 2020,

To be unsatisfied doesn't always mean you're ungrateful. No, you can acknowledge all you have and how fortunate and blessed you are and simultaneously want more for yourself. 

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January 23rd 2020, 

January isn't even over and I've managed to achieve one of my main goals but I definitely couldn't have done it alone! God is so good, I don't know how many times I have to say this!! I'm so grateful that I get to start the year off the right way and it's given me the push and drive I need to knock out everything else I want to achieve this year. I realize I'm being so vague but I've learned the hard way (more than once, more than twice) to work in silence and let the success speak for itself and that's the only way I plan to move in 2020 and beyond. I hope you are smashing goals or working towards smashing them, it's going to be a year of successes beyond anything we could ever conceive!!


___



January 17th 2020, 


If it's not already apparent, I love words (sarcasm). I love writing just as much as I love reading. I can and will read or write about anything. However my achilles heel? Poetry,  I love writing poetry and as a creative writer, I feel as though I should be able to concoct some amazing verses, as well I do with prose. But for some reason, I feel like I'm not that great at writing poetry that makes you feel a specific way. I mean, that's the purpose of poetry in my opinion, well, all types of art to be completely honest. 
But I'm waffling. 
My most recent attempt to was during the summer of 2017. I was very inspired during my time in America and on my many excursions to NYC and galavanting around mid-town and beyond I came up with this:  

I'm alone again in Times Sq
Again

I always find myself here when I can't stand being at the house 
I want to get away from people yet I want to be around strangers 
People exploring and enjoying the city that never sleeps

The subway ride into Manhattan from Brooklyn alone is enough to deter 
anyone from heading to Manhattan, the city that never sleeps
I don't either, I mean, how can I?
With all the craziness at home in Brooklyn

Most NYers will tell you that they can't stand this place
But Times Sq is my sanctuary
It never sleeps so how could it let me down?
The lights remind me to be hopeful
The billboards remind me there is work to be done
Money to be made
The nightlife reminds me to celebrate every
little positive thing I have in my life

My phone is on Do Not Disturb
Because no one is going to disturb my time with Times Sq
No one would understand anyway
This place is the epicenter of this city
The rest of NY couldn't function without Times Sq
And here she is in all her glory
Famous for being infamous
Glamorous and cocky yet she holds some of this cities
deepest, darkest secrets.


I'm not even sure if this is finished or not lol. But I think the last four lines are the best part. I was just going through notes in my phone and thought I'd share. It's funny because I remember exactly where my head was at and how I was feeling when I wrote this. I would find so much solace coming to New York during this period. It always felt so familiar... not warm or necessarily inviting, just familiar and I needed that at the time, trust me. 
 I won't say I won't attempt to write again in the future but I have to be deeply moved emotionally I think in order to try again.

___




January 14th 2020, 


I was just looking over my 2020 goals list to see what I've achieved so far, and as pleased as I am with the areas where I've been consistent in these first two weeks of the year, I am annoyed with myself a bit also. The perfectionist in me just won't let me be great. 
The irony.
I'm not going to blame it solely on that because things should get done regardless but it really does hinder me in certain areas. With this blog, with going forward with business ideas, you name it. 
It doesn't help either that I'm one of those people whose brain runs through a billion thoughts and ideas ridiculously fast and simultaneously! I've often asked myself is it ADD? Is that the cause? Because the signs have been there for a very long time now. But then again, the world we live in now requires you to keep up with a fast paced lifestyle and to always be on the go, keep up with what's new, etc. 
Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be a self-deprecating or anything like that. I want to make sure I'm regularly holding myself accountable and not forgetting all the promises I made to myself. 
All in all, it's been a positive start so far, I just know there is more I could be doing if I really work on just doing instead of perfecting.

___



December 31st 2019,

I've definitely been very open on here about most of the things I've been through this year and I'm not really in the mood to relive it. What I will say though, is that I've never felt so grateful for life, my health and my family.  The two biggest moments this year for me were finally ending a toxic, long-distance relationship and moving back to London after nearly 4 years and I got through both of those things relatively stress-free. Which is a huge blessing! I'm extremely grateful for that because the lead up to both of those events were not anything but stress-free. Even just remembering exactly where I was and what I was doing this exact day last year still hurts but we thank God for growth! 

I do feel as though I will be experiencing a lot of moments in 2020 alone, for the most part, but I've already made peace with that. In fact, I believe it's necessary for me at this point and I embrace it. As long as I'm mentally, physically and spiritually progressing, I'm making money and my family are good and taken care of, 2020 me up! I'm ready.

WISHING A PROSPEROUS AND ELEVATED 2020 TO ANYONE READING THIS! 

___




December 18th 2019, 


I recorded a video that was supposed to be posted here today but I've been having issues uploading for the last few hours as well as all the technical difficulties setting up. Smh. Just a reminder as to why I will never have a Youtube career. Anyway, the video was kind of all over the place anyway lol and I am very awkward on camera so I don't know if I'll still edit and upload it or what, but I did take a lot of cute pictures! Something I have no issues with, compared to filming videos. šŸ™ƒ 











___




December 14th 2019, 

I don't even know what prompted this, but I've been watching/listening to the 85 South Show's podcasts all week. How am I just finding out about these guys?! Absolutely hilarious. In case you don't know what I'm on about, it's a live show/podcast with DC Young Fly, Chico Bean and Karlous Miller - three of the cast members from Nick Cannon's Wild N Out on MTV. They are some damn fools, for real. I can't get over how silly they are but that's literally the type of humour I gravitate towards; unfiltered and slapstick (and actually very witty) improv all mixed into one. Legends!

Do yourself a favour right now!

___





December 12th 2019,







CURRENT INSPIRATION šŸ’”šŸ’”šŸ’”

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December 11th 2019,


Quick update:  Today was better, nothing spectacular happened to make it so, I just tried shifting my focus and it worked. I haven't laughed as much and as hard as I have today, in a hot minute. I'm actually scared I'm going to burst a blood vessel in my head if I don't stop, it's that serious! 
Grateful.

___

December 10th 2019,


Have you ever had one of those days where you're really down, not even about anything in particular but you also have this overwhelming belief that this feeling is so temporary, you can't even allow yourself to dwell in the sadness for too long? Anyone?


Overall, I'm feeling quite off today. Drained and fatigued and a little bit annoyed at myself for allowing certain negative thoughts to take precedence over everything I'm trying to do. Also, I did go to bed really really late yesterday and was woken up out of my sleep (my biggest pet peeve, but it was unintentional so I'm not too annoyed). I'm expecting some important news tomorrow which will change things and I'm feeling confident about it so I have that to look forward to as well as the fact I recently went for a check up at the sexual health clinic and everything is good, so overall I really don't have much, if anything, to be down about but yet here we are lol. I'm also finishing up my menstrual cycle so it could just be that too, I don't know but I do know I definitely won't be feeling like this tomorrow!

___


December 6th 2019,





Finishing out the year the only way I know how to... strong! I've been super super busy, networking, job hunting and excelling for my 2020 takeover! Well, 2020 and beyond. I'm praying for anyone reading this also, that 2020 will be your best year yet, may all that you've worked and sacrificed for come into fruition in ways you could never have imagined! 

___



I was yesterday-years-old when I finally realized (for real this time) that I have a serious overthinking problem. I met up with an old close close friend who I hadn't spoken to in what, three years or so and I had made up this crazy story- not even made up, but convinced myself that she and my former group of friends were tired of me and well, I was out of sight so out of mind. Even though there was no prior fall out or disagreement, we all kind of just drifted apart when I had moved to America. Anyway, long story short, we met up and I anticipated it maybe being a bit awkward or tense, it couldn't have been a more beautiful reunion. I love that girl and missed her even more! We tried to compress the last three or so years into a two and half hour meeting, which wasn't actually that hard lol but obviously we had a lot of stories to save for another day. The meeting taught me a valuable lesson on how I treat people. I have to stop assuming the worst particularly for those who continue to show up for me and love me. I'm hoping it will be this easy and not stress inducing when/if I eventually meet up with the other girls. Sooo much has gone down since I last spoke to them all on both sides, but the great thing is that things were left on positive terms. It was just a case  of no one making more of an effort to reach out to the other. I'll be sure to make updates on here as I repair and restructure relationships with friends and family, because there is a LOT of work to be done evidently.

___




November 11th 2019,


I have this person in my life who is super super close to me and on paper would probably make the perfect boyfriend or husband. However, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that person and I shouldn't be anything more than what we currently are. It didn't fully register until today just how much this person brings down my mood. The constant debating my thoughts and opinions like I'm not allowed to have them. This person still, after all these years doesn't understand that I'm not always the most practical of people therefore we obviously don't think the same, operate the same or want the same things and allows no grace for that whatsoever. It's beyond frustrating because every other aspect of our relationship is fine. We get along very well when it comes to anything music related, we enjoy spending time together, give great advice to each other. It just seems as though whenever I have a strong opinion about something, it turns into a back and forth when I'm just simply stating how I feel. More often than not, I like to discuss opposing ideas and opinions on a topic, but with this person, it seems to always turn into a full on battle.
"Here's my list of why I feel the complete opposite and now I'm going to proceed to shove it down your throat to show you that how I feel about the topic matters more than anything else"
šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„

As I was typing this, we actually just got into a heated conversation over a text he sent me. I just-
And to think, I was feeling so inspired after an amazing poetry event I had just left and now I have to process this situation.

It's obvious I'm still healing from a lot of things, especially relationship trauma and I want to give myself enough room to make mistakes, then make things right but it's really time for a drastic change. I feel like my only option right now is to start being more strategic about not letting anyone who isn't within my immediate family feel entitled to talk to me however they want or demand from me whatever they want. Yes, the threshold just got smaller because my tolerance for being disrespected and having my time and patience disrespected got smaller.
The phrase, "you give them an inch and they take a mile" comes to mind here. So poignant.



___



October 27th 2019, 











I'll never look my age and I love it.



___




30 Today!

It's true indeed what a difference a year can make. This time last year I was going through it! I didn't want to celebrate, I was highly emotional and distressed, my cousin had to force me out of the house and bribe me to come to NY to celebrate it. It ended up being a great night (I miss Miss Lily's so much, I think about it on a daily basis) but still.

I stood firm in the fact I was going to be back in London for my 30th, whether I did something or not I just wanted to be home and surrounded by my immediate family. Even the last few weeks, I'd been praying and seeing 11:11 constantly and meditating on having a peaceful, joyous birthday -and would you look at how it turned out! I'm really simple at heart - just give me good food, great company and I'll have the time of my life. Thank you to anyone reading this that contributed to me having a perfect birthday. I'm so ready for this new chapter, already starting it right by taking my mental and physical more seriously, making amends, loving more, etc. 

With that being said, I made a list of 30 things I've learned before 30:

1. It's perfectly fine to cut off or distance yourself from family to protect yourself from mental/emotional abuse or toxicity.

2. When a loved one tells you to not stress or worry about a negative situation they're in, listen to them and act accordingly for your own sanity and well-being.

3. Do everything yourself first.

4. Don't allow anyone, family or not to dump their emotional baggage on you.

5. When you live your truth, like-minded souls have no choice but to stan.

6. Try everything at least once.

7. Learn and love who you are at your core.

8. Create, create, create. And when you're done, create some mo'!

9. Never stop showing gratitude. EVER. For all things big and small.

10. Give whenever you can.

11. Take chances/risks as often as possible.

12. Don't allow family to continue to disrespect you.

13. No need to be passive aggressive or petty, just address the ish and keep it moving.

14. Yoga works!

15. Stay assertive.

16. Love hard but always with conscious. 

17. Tell your loved ones you love them, miss them etc. 

18. Master learning to ask for help directly without beating around the bush or expecting people to read your mind and just know what you need.

19. You can learn the most about yourself in a short amount of time (in my instance, 9 months).

20. Love your body and teach your mind to respect it.

21. Never stop reinventing yourself.

22. Freedom tops everything, you can never put a price on that.

23. Passionate people, we care deeply about a number of things and people but it's truly okay to not care about everything and everyone. It's impossible to do so. 

24. THERE IS BEAUTY IN EVERYTHING! ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.

25. You are loved more than you can sometimes even fathom or comprehend and you know what? It shows, just look deeper.

26. It's perfectly fine to not have a type when it comes to guys. Vibes and chemistry mean so much more. 

27. You can manifest the life you want and the things you want by eradicating STRESSSSSSS, WORRRRRRRRYY and DOUUBBTTT!

28. Certain situations REQUIRE you to use your HEAD and IGNORE your heart which is necessary to prevent heartbreak and disappointment.

29. Gym is life... wow that's crazy coming from me, but it's true.

30. Unlearning is just as necessary as learning.

BONUS

31. Don't let anyone disturb your healing and vice versa. 

___





October 21st 2019,


So I'm basically a gym rat now lmao.


I surprise myself all the time smh. I've never been into going to the gym, I just think it can be distracting and also my ocd when it comes to hygiene and cleanliness... thinking of all the germs on those machines right now is making me shudder. But I don't want that to be my excuse for not working out anymore. Plus, I actually like my local gym. It's walking distance and it's never busy when I tend to go really early in the morning. Now, I'm no gym expert, in fact I want to get a personal trainer soon but it definitely helps knowing what each machine is for and how it can aid in toning and sculpting the body. I'm a treadmill kind of girl, I can be on that thing for ages and it helps when you have a fire playlist! I also use the rowing machine, arc trainer /elliptical and the stationary bike. So I'll do about 10/15 mins on each and then if I'm in the mood, I'll go to the sauna and/or steam room and then have a swim- although I don't know why, I really don't like swimming once the temperature starts to drop. I'm always cold and water only intensifies that so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I don't necessarily have a goal that I'm trying to achieve just yet, I just know I want to be more active and  healthy and it's also a helpful distraction. Definitely keeps me out of my sometimes negative thoughts and instead focusing on something that will benefit me overall. I've also started meditating (seriously this time) and I wish I had been taking it seriously sooner. It has been keeping me focused and motivated on what's important right now. Omg and I've been eating so much but so much healthier as well, sleeping more and being more intentional about having a cleaner mind, body and soul overall.

___


October 10th 2019,

I'm back in London! I still feel like it all happened really quickly but it was definitely the right decision for me. If you're not aware, I was living in New Jersey and honestly, not my happiest. Major life lesson I've learned this year is that having my freedom and complete autonomy over my life is what truly makes my heart happy. Whenever that's compromised, I find it difficult to fully be myself or be content with my current circumstances. Maybe one day I'll fully explain why I felt I wasn't in complete control over my life while I was away from home, but for now, it feels good to be able to articulate that in a way that makes sense. Trust me, I've tried explaining it out loud and I know for sure the other person must have been thinking, "girl, what?"

Anywayyy I'm still settling in and re-familiarizing myself with this place because London has changed in so many ways. I was so eager to come back and I feel like in a lot of ways my expectations have been met so far. Can't wait to fall back in love with London, I know I know it sounds real cheesy but I've always had a love/hate relationship with London and being away for so long, especially with the current climate in the US... Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of madness going on here too but I'm so so so grateful to be home.  ❤️



____


September 21st 2019,











 





Okay, I lied. 
Grandma had to give it to them one last time before summer is officially over, you know the vibes.  šŸ˜


___ 



Definitely didn't intend to disappear for this long but September has been... a lot.
I've been highly stressed out and not eating as well as I should be, coinciding with my period resulted in a horrible break out on my face (which I always seem to get just in time for my birthday, lovely). But I'm recovering in a healthier way now (and have successfully completed my hot girl summer so it's back to grandma mode for me), as I get ready for this big transition, which I'll go into more detail on when the time is right. I've had a lot of support lately from loved ones, especially my people back in London, forever grateful. I'm honestly excited for this new chapter and I've been receiving so many signs from God and the universe that I'm on the right track. Also getting into manifesting things I want and vibrating higher, as always. It's a different kind of peace you experience when you stop worrying and fully immerse yourself in being faithful that there is good around you and good coming to you. It's beautiful and I'm ready and open to receiving what I know I deserve.


___

August 26th 2019,



  


                                                 

My weekend didn't completely go as planned (can you tell?) , but my Afropunk look was cute, so I really don't see any losses. 
šŸ˜œ
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August 12th 2019, 

I was having an internal battle with myself for the longest time about writing about this but I believe I'll thank myself at some point for getting this off my chest. It's even harder because the person this is about may or may not be reading this but it's not going to stop me from getting this out of my system. 

As a whole, I'm pretty "together"  in terms of what I experienced in my recent relationship but there are still some parts of me that are a little bit tender. I think I needed this summer, this hot girl summer in particular to realize how amazing I am as a human being. Being around loved ones and even new people I've met, they may not even realize it but they have affirmed and re affirmed who I am at my core. It's not about needing people to affirm me or tell me how great I am or anything like that. It's simply just being loved on when you need it most. 
My ex, by no fault of his own, thought he knew the real me, which is fair because I opened up to him immensely and in a way that I had not done with anyone ever before. 
However, I was also quick to remind him that he could never really "know"me without spending time with me - which was difficult because we were long distance (bare in mind my love language is quality time)

I don't know when or how exactly but somewhere along the line, manipulation began to creep into our relationship. I have to be very open right now and admit that I am guilty of using manipulation to gain something. It's a tough admission but no point in me writing all this if I can't be real about my downfalls also. I would never do it to the point where it could ruin someone else's life, at least I fear not but manipulation is manipulation and it's never okay no matter the circumstance. So yeah, he was aware of this and maybe in his mind it was to be expected that I would try to manipulate him or the relationship to gain something at some point in the relationship. Which I did. I definitely wasn't honest in the beginning about a lot of things before we got serious, which I now have come to learn isn't all bad. I wasn't making extravagant claims or pretending to be a completely different person. He saw what he wanted to see and decided he liked it and wanted to pursue me. He never grasped that not all information needs to be given on the initial meeting/conversation... whatever. It's natural to protect yourself from others, people can be so evil and do the unthinkable with private information they're given, whether they need a reason to or not. This is coming from me, someone who doesn't really suffer from trust issues - it's simply the truth.  

I guess in his defense, being lied to so much by exes and family, causes you to forcibly extract personal information with a charm and reassuring speech that works to your advantage. 

If none of that made sense to you, I'm saying he manipulated me. 

But he did it in such a way, it's still months later since we broke up and I'm still reeling from what happened. I desperately need whoever is reading this to understand I am not a victim and have never subscribed to that way of thinking - never will either. I'm the total opposite and blame myself more often than not. However, would I be doing myself an injustice by not admitting when I was wronged? Absolutely. 

You have to understand, or try to understand that the way manipulation works by any given individual is that you don't really realize that's what you're experiencing until after, sometimes even well after it has happened. Another transparent moment here that I may regret but at this point it needs to be said. It has taken me years and years to realize how manipulative my mum and grandma are. I love them to pieces and would take several bullets for either one but their tactics are disgusting. I'll save the rest of the details on that for a later post but the point is, they are two of the most closest and important people in my life and I still didn't completely comprehend what they were doing. So with the last few months I've been able to truly think about everything that happened in depth and figure out what the hell I just spent one year doing. Honestly it's so bitter sweet and such a necessary cheat code to life. 

When someone not only threatens to kill them self but actually attempts to do so while on the phone with you - that kind of despair hits differently. 

Having your privacy invaded and day in day out being accused of something you have no intention of doing (cheating) -  that kind of hopelessness hits differently. 

Consistently having your character challenged by someone who doesn't know you and doesn't care enough to - that kind of frustration hits differently. 

These are just some of the things that drove me to a horrible horrible place in the latter part of 2018. I was extremely suicidal at one point, suffered my first panic attack all while going through the transition of losing my job, a horrific home life due to my ex landlord and roommates and dealing with all this while being in a whole different country thousands of miles away and a whole time zone away from my support system. I don't think a word has been invented to describe or summarize what all that was or where my mind state was. All I know was that I was drained in every way possible.

I remember there was a short period where I would do my make-up kind of bad on purpose and wear unflattering clothes just so I wouldn't get attention from other guys (if you know me I pride myself on being well put together at all times). My ex would make me give him a break down of what I was wearing or take pictures of my outfit so he could check if I was lying or not. 

Some may say why deal with all that? why stay? etc. and I think it's more to do with me becoming so easily attached to similar vibrations. So when I connect with someone on a level that transcends anything frivolous, it's quite difficult for me to disassociate from that. I honestly can't explain the hold I let this guy have on me but it turned me into a bit of a pessimist. I felt insecure with my life and as if I didn't deserve better with a lot of things. No matter how much he tried to be positive or tell me uplifting affirmations it was as if his words were laced with a thin veil of negativity, sadness and depression. As if he didn't fully believe what he was saying. I just got that energy from him more often than not. 

I don't have a speech or words of wisdom for anyone reading this, it was simply to get a lot of this pent up frustration and lessons learned off my chest. I love myself even more for enduring that and not turning out to be bitter or allow the experience to ruin me. I have an even stronger bond with God now as well because of it, because let's face it, I wouldn't have overcome any of that by myself. I dread to think what the outcome would have been without my faith and the strength and tools God has equipped me with. I don't believe I'm mentally weak or anything however, during that time and all I was going through, it was probably a lot easier to break me down and convince me of straight up fallacies and untruths.  

Not to be that person But being more self aware now, I'm noticing just how extremely sensitive I am to energies, vibrations, auras etc. Somehow, most if not all the people I've met since the end of my relationship with my ex have inspired and stimulated me in some way. These are still strangers in a lot of ways but to be around people who are so willing to go above the regular threshold of what you'd do for someone you're just getting to know, is something I haven't seen in a while and a reflection of who I am at my core. Being around people so warm, upbeat, result driven, self aware, giving and enjoy my company genuinely amongst so many other things, has been a Godsend. 

For me personally, it's easy to sit here and say I'm far from perfect and take responsibility for my flaws and accept assumed guilt blah blah blah, so I won't. I'm going to try something new.

I want to end this instead, by saying that people are good to me because I have a good heart. I make it a point every day to ask God to use me to be a benefit and blessing to others and so anyone -exes and all who are threatened by that and are trying to recruit me for their misery army, God bless you, it won't work on me ever again.

___


August 7th 2019, 


Throwback to another favourite remix of mine! Raekwon and Kanye remixing a baby Justin Beiber track over a Wu Tang beat?! This is treasure. Also, I don't know if people realize this was released during the G.O.O.D Music Friday series and we all know every song/remix that came out of that era was monumental.  

___




July 11th 2019,

It really breaks my heart seeing talented people fighting for visibility amongst a fog of nonsensical mediocrity. 
I've always had a heart for wanting to help creatives, especially musicians. I'm not the most well versed in the practical side of making music but I 'd like to think I have an ear or at least an  understanding of sound that is a little more advanced than the average person. Sometimes,  I just don't know where to start, I get so overwhelmed. You guys deserve so much I'm scared I'm not capable. For the longest time, while looking for jobs in the music industry and during my time freelancing, my whole thing was to connect people and help get their music out there. That's what I always wanted to do as a music publicist - well maybe not a traditional publicist - see, I like to get involved  in every aspect of a project.
As well as the fact I only ever want to work with those I believe in and can comfortably advocate for. I need to find that passion and boldness again. 

____



July 6th 2019,


 








___

July 6th 2019, 

July has been so good to me so far! Started some new routines and I'm already seeing results. I'll talk about those in another post because seriously, I'm so exhausted from this week. 
It's been interesting and fun and carefree.
Met some interesting characters in the last few days as well as discovered some awesome new places that have left my mind stimulated (trying to stop using the word inspired okay). 
Something that stuck out to me this week was a conversation I had with someone and they basically said they could tell that I'm not from the US because when I walked into the room I was so fascinated with eveything. Lmao. That really is me in a nutshell. I love finding the beauty in everything and yes, pretty much anything new fascinates me. I appreciate that about myself and I promise you that will never change. 
šŸ’ž 

___

July 1st 2019, 

I love that God created me as somewhat of a free spirit. I absolutely detest conforming or limitations of any kind being placed on me. I love that I am able to embrace that each and every day and that I am truly the only one who can place any type of limit on myself and my dreams and ambitions and wants etc. I'm also quite disciplined so the two traits tend to clash at times but I'm starting to find the balance, the older I get. More importantly, I'm blessed that currently, the people closest to me, nurture that and don't judge me or try to alter that about me.

Unapologetically me all summer 2k19 and beyond.

___


June 30th 2019, 

 

10 things I've been loving this Summer šŸ˜šŸ˜šŸ˜ (so far)

1. Fenty Beauty Body Lava Body Luminizer in Trophy Wife & Brown Sugar
2. My skin!!! & new skin care routine
3. Sol De Janeiro's Glowmotions in Samba Sway
4. White air force 1s paired with any outfit
5. Spotify's Alte Cruise playlist
6. Nicka K New York Lip Gel w/ Rosehip
7. Extra long eyelashes
8. Salads - I'm sooooo not a salad person but it just feels right during summer
9. Green tea konjac sponge - game changer! (I get mine from RiteAid)
10. All gold everything - including hair!

____

I've been having a bit of a creative block lately and anytime I'm going through it, it literally effects everything I think about and try to do, even deciding on an outfit to wear to work can sometimes be more of a challenge than necessary. There's also been more of an unbalance around me than I'm used to and some tension with those close to me -which usually inspires me to conceive an idea or finish something I've already started. But this time,  I don't know it's like there is a literal barrier between myself and my work no matter what it is I'm trying to accomplish. 
Hopefully July will be more productive, in terms of me successfully being able to get over any blocks or barriers and get my opinions and ideas across on here.
____





One of my favorites from the 'Lost' EP and you already know I'm a sucker for NYC aesthetics.

___





June 10th 2019,


 


Ignore the facial expressions/poses, let's just appreciate this outfit thanks šŸ˜˜

___






June 6th 2019, 

I remember when my ex bf told me he loved me unconditionally šŸ™„

I tried to explain to him that it was impossible and that it was one thing to throw around the word love but quite another to claim to love someone unconditionally. He clearly didn’t understand the magnitude of the word and his later actions would go on to prove the depth of his misunderstanding. There are way too many conditions when you’re in a boyfriend/girlfriend romantic relationship as most of us would know i.e. cheating, stealing, dishonesty etc. to make this such an invalid sentiment.
I think even in marriage its a bold statement to make. However, you would hope and pray the person you make that commitment with loves you at least close enough to unconditionally to want to work through any conditions that could potentially damage the marriage vows. Personally, I think unconditional love should be left to God (Agape) and the love we should exhibit towards our children and even siblings.

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 NY lights, BK nights šŸ˜œ
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Throwback Thursday to one of my favourite remixes ever!... and that time Jay-Z dissed R.Kelly after all the shenanigans during their second joint album 'Unfinished Business'... and I ooop! 


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May 28th 2019, 



And I used to hate how I look... 

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May 20th 2019, 



In case you're still not ready for summer, just press play.

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May 14th 2019,


Please appreciate the beauty of everything about this video.

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May 1st 2019,

Okay, let's talk about it... self sabotage...

According to Psychology Today, it's when behavior "creates problems in our life and interferes with long standing goals" and some of these behaviors are; "procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating and forms of self-injury such as cutting"

I want to address something else that is closely linked with self-sabotage but may be overlooked sometimes... 

TRAUMA
noun; 1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

For me, there are are two types of trauma - trauma because of things that have happened to you (where you were the victim) e.g. physical/verbal/mental abuse and trauma because of things that you have allowed to happen to you or that you were responsible for, e.g. procrastinating 

While I can confidently say there's a somewhat equal balance of these two types of traumas in my life, I do question very often how many things I've been the root cause of. Regardless of what has been done to me, I am responsible for where I am in life currently -which is a daunting thought to begin with. Stirred in with the realization of how long I've been doing this to myself, well, that's what has led to my depression for the better part of the last two or three years. 

It's a cycle.

I realize what has happened, it makes me feel sorry for myself/being hard on myself and that opens the door to feeling worthless which then leaves the door wide open to self-sabotage.  

This post isn't all negative though. I think it's healthy to talk about plus it's very therapeutic. 

My priorities have been all over the place, not dealing with past hurt/experiences, not confronting things/people/situations head on, unanswered questions, procrastination, hiding my truth amongst so much more has brought me to this point, honestly. 

I love the tone of this article I read, it's very frank and bluntly honest. It's not hard to invest in yourself and do better for yourself, especially once you've realized you've been practicing self harming behavior. But it's this weird thing we tend to do as humans -retreat to our old ways or what feels comfortable, even when it's to our own detriment. 


Honesty, my biggest fear ever in life (which I don't think I've ever said out loud to anyone) is just being a pretty face with nothing else to offer. I know I'm an amazing writer and story-teller with so many other skills to fall back on. HOWEVER, because of that pressure and having this eternal belief that most people are shallow (bad I know but it's been my experience for the longest time) and just see the exterior and will never believe that I'm good at all the things I know I'm good at, I internalize that. It's made me extremely self-critical like you have no idea! Even setting up this blog site and sharing it with people I know and strangers is such a task for me because I want it to be perfect so badly.

I kind of feel like it's a defense mechanism also, due to a lot of things that went on in my childhood and for a very long time not being comfortable in my body. It was like a diversion - Oh, I may not be attractive but I'm a good writer, I can dress well, I'm nice etc 

It's crazy right? I want people to see what I am capable of so much so that I become so self critical and end up not wanting to show anyone anything. 

It kind of makes sense if you think about it long enough but it's never okay. It's a daily thing I've been doing and have to keep doing. Perfecting my crafts and telling myself I'm doing a great job but it's perfectly fine to make mistakes and showcase them and not be hard on myself.



I guess there is an upside to being so self-critical, you do eventually come to a realization then acceptance that something needs to change asap. And this is where I'm at currently. So bear with me please while I love myself a little more and for real this time!

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April 29th 2019,


When you take grandma out for the night to shake a leg...


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April 23rd 2019,


So I finally had FRIED OKRA yesterday for the first time... there's no going back...
šŸ˜šŸ˜‹
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April 4th 2019,


I'm probably going to do a more detailed video on this in the future but I think it's so important to spread the knowledge of healthy and organic products when we're talking feminine care/hygiene products. 

For years, like many women who didn't know better, I've been using brands like Always, Kotex, Bodyform etc and had no idea the types of processes these products go through when being made as well as the materials used to create them. I just never bothered to check or do my research, I think part of me assumed that these big brands had women's best interest at heart, in terms of our health but boy was I wrong. Some of the chemicals used in pads and tampon are setting us up for all kinds of disorders, imbalances and even cancer! 

Ladies, we have to take this seriously.

When you take into account the bleach used in cotton for tampons and pads (dioxins) as well as the fact that the mucus membranes in our vaginas easily absorb pretty much anything which will ultimately enter the bloodstream, it's really alarming that not much is being said about these dangers! I mean, are they even teaching this in schools?! They definitely weren't when I was in school and I went to an all girls school. Shameful.

This Q&A with Dr. Maggie New definitely goes into much more detail about all of this. But I believe in sharing knowledge whenever I can. 

Although our tendency is to walk into a store and go for the brands we know and are accustomed to straight away, when it comes to health, particularly feminine health I think now more than ever we should be reading ingredients, researching terms we don't know and their potential health risks.

All of this was inspired by wanting to make more of a cognitive effort to ensure that I am enlightened (almost to the point of being hyperaware) in my consumptions, intake and energy -especially as I ascend to my thirties.

I was at Walmart recently looking for pads and spent about 5-7 minutes going through the shelves and only seeing those same brands I mentioned before, somewhat losing hope in finding something new and then suddenly, I look up in the left hand corner and spot this...

I had never heard of this brand before but after reading the back of the box I was really intrigued and it definitely helps that they use ORGANIC cotton and that they are same price (maybe even cheaper in some cases) as some of the leading brands. So, no excuses, girl!

Check out more health conscious brands below, and a lot of them have great initiatives that support other women around the world, as well as the environment:


More brands here: Cosmopolitan

Check out this article on how feminine care/hygiene brands are changing the game: How New Affordable Feminine Care Brands Are Revolutionizing the Industry

We owe it to ourselves and our futures to live better and educate our young girls about how to do so as well.

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March 26th 2019,




“It’s not enough to love myself only when I'm doing well, it needs to be daily, irrespective of flaws, unapologetically, no matter what” 

It’s kind of crazy how some of us are really out here thinking we’re living our positive lives and we’re confident and have little to no insecurities.... when it’s so obvious that we are negative (and maybe even crave negativity), we do lack confidence and are definitely insecure, just by the situations we put ourselves in or the people we surround ourselves with. 
Sis, if you’re so about self-love and self care and positive vibes only, why are you still reaching out to toxic people who have only been there to steal, kill and destroy your dreams? (yeah, I just paraphrased John 10:10 but it’s true!)

How we feel about ourselves is always exhibited in our actions - point, blank, periodt.

We make better decisions, we let go of anything counterproductive to our mobility, we love others more, we make no time nor space for bs or anything of the like when we love ourselves unapologetically. 

I don’t know about you all but that’s really my goal for the rest of the year, I want to love myself so much that I only manifest and also purposely put myself in situations to uplift my character and progress. 

Tired of the self sabotage and practicing low self esteem.

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March 19th 2019,

-Mereba - Black Truck  

This whole song, but particularly this verse speaks to me on such a spiritual level. It's kind of scary. I really do make things harder for myself and practice a lot of self sabotage . I'm so used to doing so it's mostly non cognitive at this point. 
Acceptance is the first step right?

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Hurting in a way I've never experienced before.

Emotional abuse is emotional abuse. You can't sugar coat that.
There are no nice ways of "putting it" it’s manipulation, it’s control,
It’s erratic, it’s lie after lie and it’s making you feel sorry for them.
When they are not worthy of that level of sympathy you give everyone but yourself.
It’s no sympathy for you, when you’re going through it, all blame.
It’s breaking you down to your core, it’s causing you physical and mental health problems
Because you love hard and they are human leeches.
It’s causing you to black out and experience having a panic attack for the first time, in the middle of an argument.
It’s the never ending, obsessive compulsive hold on the past so conflict resolution never happens, just more arguments, no progression.
It’s one rule for you and another for them (a more lenient, non aggressive one) with unrealistic
expectations and absolutely no room for mistakes at all.
It’s their way or the highway
It’s being left empty and drained after every heated conversation.
It’s them removing all your layers over time until you’re scared (& rightfully so)
And vulnerable to the point you are officially emotionally unstable.
It’s extracting as much private information from you as possible, just so they can use it against you when the chips are down... or any opportunity, really.
It’s mental bullying you when you are going through trauma and constantly belittling you
It’s putting you down because you are secure in your physical appearance and who you are
and they are not. So they accuse you of unthinkable things with baseless, so-called evidence.
It’s all emotional abuse and it’s all abuse.
It’s been my life for the last 9 months.
It’s no longer a part of my present.

I am done (it’s a wrap).


____


We loved each other so much, we hated each other.
And that’s that.
The end.

——





March 7th 2019,



3 Random Facts ;

1. I am obsessed with true crime YouTube channels/documentaries! Anything related to crime, mysteries, cults, serial killers etc I've probably watched it or know about it. I'm so intrigued by the mindset of people who brazenly commit crimes particularly murder, like, what did you go through to get to that point?! I wanna know! 

2. The real reason it takes me forever to complete things is because I'm a perfectionist! Soooooooo self critical it's like an obsession. I'm forever editing things even once they've been posted or published. I'm working on it though!

3. I love learning! - Reading, researching, practicing, watching. I'm one of those people that wants to master as many things as possible. 

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March 7th 2019,






It's a beautiful thing when the audio and visuals marry each other in perfect harmony!



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Feb 26th 2019,



 
All this new music is making me want to make a playlist...


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Feb 25th 2019,


It's a good day for new music!


These two are my new favorite duo! 
Please go listen to their other songs together. You'll thank me!
Shout out to my boyfriend who put me on  
šŸ˜˜




I don't know what it is about Atu and Dpat's production and Brent's voice but it just fits perfectly. EVERYTIME! Seriously, name a better trio right now...



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Dec 23rd 2018,



Current inspiration šŸ˜šŸ’”:





 


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Nov 15th 2018,







Need to get back to painting...

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Nov 1st 2018,

Grateful for life; thanking God for life!





                                                                                                      
I nearly let go of everything on my birthday. 
I nearly threw in the towel and gave up on God, myself and 
everything I love.

But my loved ones quickly reminded me that no, they were not going to allow defeat to happen or be a thought in my mind. They spoke life into me and saw better for me, more than I did.
So I made a decision. 
To smile
Practice gratitude 
And to HOLD ON.

And then this moment above happened yesterday. 

MORE:
Spending more time with God
Avoiding toxicity
Working on my inner joy
Practicing the law of attraction
Focusing on gratitude

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Oct 24th 2018,



šŸ˜¤
NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!!!

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Oct 11th 2018, 
šŸ†
To all the ladies out there, in their late twenties feeling lost, hopeless or confused... complete emotional wrecks, I'm with you sis.

Don't let anyone tell you how or when you're supposed to have it all together... or that you're useless and a failure for not. 

Cry as much as you want and need to and when you're done, cry some more. Get it out of your system completely. Take a momentary break from what's going on at the minute and BREATHE deeply.

You WILL get it together, you're already doing an amazing job, take a minute to acknowledge that also. 

Entertaining negative, harmful thoughts will just take you down a rabbit hole of despair and more negativity. And we're not giving into that sis, we're just not! There are things to be CREATED, EXPLORED, DISCOVERED, SEEN, TAUGHT, WRITTEN, EATEN, WORN, LEARNED and so much more!!

Don't let anyone else try to define who you are and what you can do. Do what you're good at and continue doing so. It's only a matter of time before things come together for you because this world doesn't operate by other people's actions and standards. There are far more higher beings who are in control of what goes on, whether you believe in God, Buddha or the Universe. Your being, vibrations, energy are all synced to something far greater than this earth.

Get in alignment, sis. 
And when you feel out of whack, come back for more words of encouragement.

- Love you, girl 

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Sept 28th 2018,



šŸ™ƒ
Had a really real talk with one of my best friends today. About life and these situations we find ourselves in when we "resist" what we know we're supposed to be doing - career wise, relationship-wise, life-wise. It's very rare to come across people who are motivated to complete what they set out to do wholeheartedly and execute it down to the very last detail. Well, rare for us at least.

We both agreed that I can only thrive so long in an uncreative, draining, low energy environment for so long and maybe this shift and uncomfortability I've been feeling for the last few months is highlighting that. 
I really feel like I am shifting and changing but I'm still getting to know this "new" me and I'm still not used to her ways and how she operates, it's not all negative though. It's just growing pains, I guess. 
Things are going to change again for me in the next months and I pray to God in advance that I am assertive and decisive in the decisions I make. I'm getting to quite a desperate place with my life and current living, career and financial situations and I need to be very thorough in what I do next.